Sitting Here With My Sadness

I'm sitting outside on a lounge chair in the backyard of our home in Tennessee. Our home for a few days more. Soon it will be someone else's home. Scattered around me are guacamole and lime tostitos, my therapy of choice today. The birds are lifting up their songs and the breeze is just the slightest bit cold. There are a thousand tasks I need to do, but perhaps this one is the most important- sitting here with my sadness on leaving Tennessee behind again. It's not the house with its busted gutters and never ending yard work. It's not even the stuff inside our home, although there are plenty of antiques and art that remind me of people I love. It's not the stuff with price tags that is in my heart, but instead all the memories that come with this land. 

If I look beyond my outstretched feet, I can see where three little boys used to run around shirtless in the sun before their sisters even came to be. Merit was one when we bought this house. We brought two more babies home to it. This is the longest we've lived anywhere.

That's not all I see. I see friends and their babies filling our yard on playdates before the kids were even old enough to go to school. I see Daddy coming home from work in his scrubs and jumping into the blowup pool the kids were playing in. I see those grins that spread across their faces! I remember rocking my babies outside when they were fussin'. I recall the tree I looked forward to blooming every year that fell down while we were snowed in in Colorado. I see the place where I ran out of my house to talk to my best friend when she told me she had cancer. I see our sweet Holly dog's final resting place. I see the land we retreated to when we were told to "stay home" and I feel all the comfort it gave us when the whole world had gone crazy.

This place isn't a house to me. This place is where we finally moved home after Jordan's service. It's where we decided we wanted to raise our kids around family and friends who love them. It's the community we had when we decided that we could bring a little brown girl from the other side of the world and make her feel welcome because small town people ARE good people and would welcome her, too. 

New life is sprouting up all around me- flowers in the yard, buds in the trees, and nephews even. I don't want to leave. 

Until next time, Sweet Southern Comfort.

NYC Marathon Recap 2019

I am home from New York City and while I should definitely be folding and putting away laundry, instead I'm thinking about my latest journey through The Big Apple. The best way to see the city? The NYC Marathon, of course!

I have a lot of thoughts, possibly some excuses to share with you regarding race day. I'm super proud that I got to do this, but as with every other time I've run a marathon, I feel a little regretful of my performance at times, too. I've talked a lot about marathon running as a formula that I haven't been able to figure out yet and that still rings true for me. Admittedly, I didn't feel prepared for this distance leading up to the big day. It's very hard to fit in all the training when life happens. I haven't been able to find the balance of homeschooling my kids, being a good wife/mother/friend/whatever, sickness/injury, travel, other interests, and trying to train hard for a time I'm really proud of. I run because it helps to manage my anxiety. It's difficult to decide how much emphasis I should give to this sport in light of all of that. In the very same breath, I wasn't ready this year and there's no one to blame but myself. Still, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. I got to run a major world marathon again and that is not lost on me.
I couldn't wait to start, but I had a late start time. There was plenty of time for my nerves to build up and bubble over especially as I watched my step-dad and my husband's start times come and go.

Running by myself was the way to go, though. Part of the difficulty of this marathon is the enormous crowd. I spent so much energy attempting to weave in and out of people to keep a good pace. I'd fall in with someone a lot slower than me and not realize for awhile that I had slowed down. I'd get through the crowd for a bit and then encounter the same problem. The first mile, as usual, was the most crowded one. Runners are trying to set a good pace, others are climbing up on bridges to take in the scenery and capture a picture, and I was just trying to get my mind right. After that first mile, I settled in to a 9:15 pace. I knew I wouldn't keep that, but I wanted to be right there since that is a comfortable pace for me and I didn't want to start off too fast like I did in Napa Valley earlier this year. That plan served me well until about the half way mark. I began to get slower at mile 13 and my legs just would not go. I can't explain it. I didn't feel tired, out of breath, or have any major injuries or pain I was trying to manage. I just couldn't propel my legs. I think the lactic acid build up was a big issue for me in this race. I hardly walked at all, but my times began a downward spiral slipping into 10,11, and even a 12 minute mile. I ran to mile 16 where I thought I'd find my sister and I did. She kept me running to her because I couldn't wait to see a familiar face. I thought once or twice that I would just stop and walk back with her when I got to her. Good thing for that barrier between us when I finally did see her! I was moving, but it wasn't nearly as fast as I wanted to. I felt my mind start to drift..."This is dumb. Why do I do this to myself? No one cares if you just walk the rest of it out." So I did what any Loudon Lacer would do and I sent a Marco Polo to my running pals around mile 18. One of my friends in the group had a stroke a few months ago and it has been a long road for her to have to walk down. I had been thinking of her the whole time. I was imagining myself running for her and for others I don't even know who would love to be able to run right now and those who do run and would love an opportunity to run in this marathon. Who was I to quit?

As soon as I sent my video to my running friends, they responded with so much support. It kept me going. I imagined all of you (who were texting me telling me that I was doing great or to finish strong) were on the streets of NY that day and I couldn't stop. I felt the love all those miles away. At mile 20, you all told me I just had a 10 k left. At mile 23, you told me I just had a 5k. At mile 25, you told me I could do anything for one mile and somehow I busted out one of the fastest miles for the whole race. The finish line felt so good. Thank you all so much for cheering me on. My friends who run with me, my homeschooling group of mamas, those of you who watch my kids so I can do this thing I love, those of you who reach out in support and encouragement--you share in this race with me. It's always an incredible reminder that I'm not alone and I have good people who care deeply.
The biggest takeaway for me was this epiphany I had as ESPN cameras swarmed my face on Sunday. This was my second televised sporting event where I was competing with tens of thousands of the world's best runners. The start of the race was captured on the front of the Wall Street Journal. This marathon is a big deal and a big blessing to me. God has given me so much. I was happy to complete this race another time. I don't even mind too much that it was a minute slower than last time. Lord willing, I'll keep persevering.

I am a good mom.

I am a good mom. I am a good mom.

I don't always say those words to myself. I definitely don't always believe them. Sometimes I rehash in my mind all the abysmal words I've told my children in anger that day and I feel the enormous guilt because of it.

Go to your room and be quiet!

All you ever do is un-do something I've just done!

You get the picture. It's not always pretty around here and I wonder when I drag into bed at night what my problem is- why I can't just show them patience and LOVINGLY correct them instead of spouting off what I'm thinking in the moment. Some days are better than others, but I know even on the bad days that I'm a good mom and I'd be willing to bet that you are, too.

Whether you stay at home or work, you're a good mom because you're working hard for your kids. Whether you're waking up early to fix a huge breakfast spread or tossing them goldfish in the car on the way to your first appointment of the day, you're a good mom. Whether you sat down to work that puzzle on the floor or you decided not to because there were dishes to wash, you're a good mom.

I'm not even talking about the mediocrity that we tell ourselves is good enough. The feeling of barely skating by, kids having popcorn for lunch, and/or family prayer time through tears because you want them to know that you are human and you mess up, too and need forgiveness is more than good enough. You (I) may feel like I'm just surviving the day, but you're doing so much more than that.

The impact you have on your kids is priceless, long-lasting, enduring, important.

Sometimes you make cookies with them while simultaneously covering the kitchen in flour and mixed up, sticky cookie dough (b/c Abel is with Daddy, ahem) and sometimes you go get the store bought ones and skip all that (because, hello, easy!).

Sometimes you spend all day cleaning and put them in front of the t.v. to pacify.

Sometimes you get on Pinterest and create all sorts of learning activities for them to do that they'll enjoy.

Being a mom isn't just one day in the life of your kids, so why do we sometimes focus on that one bad day we had where we yelled more than we showed them love? Our job is to imitate Christ so that they will grow to know Him. It's the hardest job because we are flawed individuals, corrupt with sin. We are selfish. Angry. Prideful. But as we guide our kids, our Heavenly Father is guiding and molding us if we stay focused on Him.

The enemy will try to pull you away. He'll whisper in your ear that you're a bad mom. He'll want you to give up, but you won't...

because you're good.

"She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness." ~ Proverbs 31:27

Postpartum and Pumpkins- a fitness update

It could be that I'm sitting here with a big bag of chocolate and carmel flavored popcorn in my lap (Thanks a lot, Boy Scouts), but I can't seem to get back in shape after this baby. It has only been three months, but with the others I was in better shape by now (at least I was with Merit...and possibly Abel). Perhaps it's because this baby is a girl or maybe it's because I turned thirty while pregnant. I don't know, but I'm not diggin' it. In the past, I could either eat healthy OR workout and stay at an acceptable place in my mind but now it's clear that I will have to do both. Which works out nicely because I just finished the last of that popcorn.
Some have asked me what I'm training for--just life, I guess. I'm having a hard time balancing everything in my life (in case you haven't picked up on that major theme of my blog) and so creating fitness goals and accomplishments are toward the lower end of my to-do lists. I'm just working on number one: trying to keep all the kids alive and relatively psychologically unharmed.
My first love is running. I don't love it while I'm doing it, but I always love it afterwards. It has rebuilt my core each time I've had a baby and it is the best stress relief this mom of four could ask for. It makes me feel alive. It reminds me that I'm so thankful for this body. It makes me want to take care of it even more. So while I do like to do races, it's not a huge deal to me. I've done a few 5Ks recently and have gotten an itch to try another half marathon soon, too.

Kacy's 5K record: 26:52
Kacy's Half record: 2:21:36

I think that's why I would like to try another half--because I know I can break that record right now in the shape I'm in. I'm entertaining the idea of running one in November, but I also need to make sure that is in the funds! Racing can get expensive, huh? I try to do races that are raising money for causes that I'm passionate about. A loose goal of mine is to make the most out of this fall running season.


Many of you have asked me to share my fitness progress and workouts with you during the postpartum period. My biggest secret is to just get active. It doesn't matter if the time you dedicate to changing your body isn't all at once. That's the biggest struggle when you have kids around. You try to spend at least 30 consecutive minutes working out, but someone needs their diaper changed, someone clotheslines someone else cuing tears, or someone sends a ball rolling right under your feet in the middle of your burpee causing you to face plant. It can be so frustrating if you're looking at a clock--so don't. Just as Rome wasn't built in a day, your body won't be either. If all you have are small increments of time then use what you have. Furthermore, get creative! Use the playground, do squats as you dry your hair, move constantly as you fold the laundry, DANCE! Lately, I've been using the pumpkins we have decorating our porch right now and so I thought I'd share one of the exercises with you-

For more peeks at some of the stuff that inspires me to get fit, see my fitness board on Pinterest.

Feels like '98

Can we talk about this?

We know the mainstream media strays away from good news. Perhaps that's why that momentous occasion wasn't discussed. Despicable.

Anyway, I was sooo that obnoxious TN fan on Saturday night calling everyone and singing Rocky Top. It was much more than a game. It was eleven Saturdays over the stretch of many years of losing to the team that you were trained all your life to hate (slight exaggeration- only slight). It was eleven years of saying, "We'll get em next year." The last time we beat Florida I was a totally different person. In 2004, I was a freshman in college....

I didn't have degrees, babies, my husband. I hardly remember who I was in that photo above, but I remember how ecstatic I was in that moment when we realized we won. I was as happy as I look! And this past Saturday I kept saying, "Is this really happening?" It was hard to process, coming from a girl who used to enjoy weekly season tickets and hardly missed a game growing up. I haven't been able to go to any games between moving around with the Army and having children, but I always kept a watchful eye on my Vols. Even when I lived in Alaska and didn't have tv (and probably wouldn't have ever gotten to watch a game anyway), I would sign in to the world wide web despite the four hour time difference and munch on wings and beer at 8am as I watched the football symbol go back and forth and the score numbers going up and changing as the game went on in Knoxville. It felt like a lifetime away from me. In those moments, I sure wished I was on ole Rocky Top down in the Tennessee hills.

This Saturday was a homecoming. 

Here's the best article I've seen on it: Why The End of the Streak Should Matter to You by Loudon's own Tyler Wombles 

It has always been great to be a Tennessee Vol, but it was extra great this weekend. And my how things have changed!

So excuse me while I do my happy dance. The streak is over! The duck pulled the truck. 

Hope Over Worry

I have such an ambivalent relationship with the Internet. I love it and I hate it, too. Don't you? Disguised under the guise of connectivity, more often than not it pulls us all apart.  It pits us against each other. Against ideas. Ideas that really just don't matter. Period. It's why I have to step away from social media a lot- it's because I don't care where people go to the bathroom....or HOW a child got in a zoo enclosure (just that he did and now he's safe and you people have NO IDEA how quickly children can get into trouble despite the most attentive caregivers)...I don't care if you vaccinate or formula feed or leave your child rear facing in their carseats until they are six years old. I do not care. Leave me out of it.

I'm tired of freaking out reading signs at Walmart reminding me to turn around and go get my baby out of a hot car. My baby is not in the car, but thanks for the brief heart attack.

I'm tired of rubbing sun screen all over my kids to protect them from the harmful sun only to come home and read an article about how all the sprays and lotions cause cancer.

We're coming upon swimming season and although I swallowed gallons of water growing up around pools and at the lake every summer, I will freak out for twenty four hours after any of my kids are around water because of the massive amounts of dry drowning posts I will see. Already, I'm worried. Just yesterday, Abel took off his puddle jumper near the pool. I stood up to sit nearer to him in case he got any crazy ideas and before I knew it, he had jumped in the pool, something he won't usually even do with floaties on. Thankfully, I got to him very quickly but he is very tired today and feels warm and where does my head go? It goes to the extremely rare thing that might happen that I saw on the Internet last summer and the summer before that.

I'm just so exhausted by the list of what good parents do. It's on Pinterest. It's on Facebook. It's on the news. It's in your hearts and minds. More than ever, I will keep the tendency to trust that parents are, for the most part, doing what is best for the kids they've been entrusted with. There's no parent shaming here because I know. Every day, I sacrifice myself to do what I think is best for my children in the moment. 24/7, that's what I'm doing. It's because of this that I know you're not a crappy mom because you sent your kid to school with a lunchable for the third time in a week.

It's a Catch 22 everywhere I turn. Hey, my kids are fed and happy and safe. Do you think 5 popsicles in a weekends time is going to permanently damage them? Me either. If you're one of those parents that their kids only eat the freshest of organic vegetables then that is great! I applaud you. I just also happen to think those other parents who don't follow that strict of a diet or lifestyle are good parents, too.

There's so much out there online that you might lose sleep over....so much that can get you fired up. And for what?

Accidents happen all the time, y'all. It's a consequence of living in a fallen world. I'm just so glad I have a HOPE that is greater than anything this world could provide.

Thoughts on this pregnancy, my recent 5K, and Mother's Day

I have written so many blog posts in my head lately, but have not carved out time to actually sit down and write something out. Now that I have a few minutes, my mind is not settling on one particular topic so I guess I'll chat about life lately. I'm thirty one weeks pregnant this week. I feel pretty good. A couple weeks ago, I got sick and ended up in the hospital but I'm leaps and bounds better now than I was then. I feel as if time is winding down now and she'll be in my arms before I know it. Honestly, I have no idea how one person will go out in town and run errands with that many small children, but I also know that people figure it out and I will, too. I find myself already thinking about the mechanics of taking the kids to school next year. Portions of the parking lot at one of the schools is gravel so the easy strollers are out of the question. Am I going to have to baby wear a newborn in the front and a two year old in the back so I can walk the other two into their separate schools? Sounds like a blast. I already get the wildest looks going in now. Some folks comment that my hands are full or my mornings are busy in a friendly manner. Others stare at me like I'm the worst parent in the world when one of them falls and I tell them to walk it off....or when I end up dragging one in kicking and screaming. I'm getting to the point where it doesn't bother me anymore, though. I just remind myself that they probably have no idea. 

I've been trying to stay active during this pregnancy. My diet has not been all green and leafy, though. My sweet tooth is in full force so sometimes I up my workouts to accomodate. Knock on wood* The back pain has been a lot better lately. On Saturday, I ran (ahem jogged very slowly) a 5K. I did better than I thought I would, but as I was racing I thought I was doing a lot better time wise than I actually was. That's okay. I didn't pee on myself nor did I pass out so I'll take it! By the end of the thing, I sat there with my family, recovering and listening to the awards being handed out when I heard "...running for two...Third place goes to Kacy..." What? Totally unexpected. Score. I'm just hoping there were more than three people in my age group. :P

That's my mom. She ran in the race, too and she has been killin' it in the gym. I'm so proud of her and it makes me anxious for postpartum days and being able to see the numbers go down on the scale again. 

Mother's Day was a good one. We usually get out of town to celebrate, but we stayed home this year. I guess I shouldn't say we stayed home, though because we were gone all day. We got up and went to church and then started making the rounds so we could see all the special women in our lives. We didn't end up getting home until around ten o'clock.

Left: 9 months out for baby #3, Right: 9 weeks left for baby #4

But any Mother's Day that I'm with my boys is good for me! I hope you had a good one, too. I know it can be an impossibly hard day for some people. Those who have infertility problems and those who never had a motherly figure in their lives, and those who have mourned their mother's death-- you all were on my mind. Just clicking through the archives of this blog and seeing the picture progressions from year to year remind me that time is fleeting. I spent the day cherishing the women I do have in my life that have shown me the ropes of being a woman, wife, and mother. I'm so so thankful for each one of them.

What's New?

Top of the Monday mornin' to ya, friends! I hope your day is starting off as fabulous as mine (or better). I mean, I didn't wake up at the beach so there's room for improvement. Still, it has been a good morning. Jordan was around so I didn't have to wake up Merit to take the other two boys to school, meaning that I also didn't have to throw my back out of line as I hobbled across two parking lots with a baby on my hip and two other little goons tugging on my other hand. Isn't it amazing how not having just one of your kids with you makes everything seem so much easier? I bet once Saylor arrives, I'll be feeling like three out in town is a breeze. Because Merit slept in (10am!!), I got a lot done.
Dishes are clean, laundry has been started, and I'm about 4,000 steps into my day. In addition, I've been plugging away on the nursery.

Last week, I bravely moved my two oldest into a room together and that has been...well...going. Anyway, I was determined to have a little room for our newest addition coming soon. Kinley had a room set up about a week before he arrived due to a move shortly before my due date. My other kids didn't have rooms until they were closer to one. It's not a big deal, but since this is my last babe I figure there's some room to spoil her (and me!). I just think a girl needs some room for her clothes! :) I don't have money to make this room the Pinterest perfect place, but I do have some mediocre skills that will improve the look of Abel's bland, tiny old room. When Jordan left on business, I set to work. In a week, I have moved out furniture, moved more in, set the crib up, and painted. Additionally, my dear husband humored me this weekend when he got back and hung some crown molding for me. I'm getting excited to finish cosmetic issues and start decorating. I'll show you more later.
We survived the first week of J being gone. We had some rough moments, but they were made better by friends and family who stopped by to provide a smidge of sanity for me. My in-laws brought over dinner for the boys and girl scout cookies for me and told me to leave and go to the grocery store alone! It was so nice to have an hour. The week went well. Abe had his first appointment with his occupational therapist. By the end of the week, I had noted that he said two new phrases: "It worked!" and "Do it again!"Merit is growing and changing so much, too. This past week he learned to climb up to the top of their outdoor play set by himself and slide down. Big boys.

I'm 27 weeks now. 

Baby is the size of a: cucumber or lantern

Weight: 140

Cravings: Nothing to write home about

Stretch Marks: I think I see a new one every six minutes. Kidding, but yeah...I'm trying to keep them under control. 

Exercise: I haven't been to the gym in weeks. My back pain is awful. I finally broke down and bought a pregnancy belt yesterday. It does seem to help, but the pain is still there and knocks me off my feet at times. I'm a little worried because I have a 5K coming up and it really hurts to run.

New Things: Does a feeling count? I just feel so much more pregnant than I actually am and it gives me this uneasy feeling that she might be early. Watch her come at 43 weeks now that I said that! :/ Anyway, I think that's why I've been wanting to get things in order. Nesting in full effect. I also got her car seat yesterday!

What's going on with her? She's about two pounds and if she's hearing, she probably is starting to recognize Mama's voice.

What I miss: sushi, running, climbing stairs without breathing heavy....you know, the good life.

What I'm looking forward to: Never being pregnant again.

Easter Everyday

I make a big deal of Halloween and Christmas, but truth be told- I love Easter even more. It's the one day set aside to celebrate a risen Savior. Of course, I do my best to acknowledge that in my day to day life, but the rest of the nation joins us on this day. A risen Savior. It's incredible. We can relive a miracle through the scriptures, through the sermons, through our lives. Jesus, the author and FINISHER of my faith, endured an agonizing death on a cross for me and you. Why would a blameless man do that other than great, great love? It's that realization that faces me each morning and keeps me going. No matter what happens in my life, I'm loved by an Almighty God. One who loves me so much he sent his Son to die for me. These songs are my favorites this time of year. They echo so many of my thoughts. Amazing love. How can it be?

My Funny Valentines

Valentine's Day is much more special to me when I look into the eyes of my children and can see how a divine Father in Heaven has gifted me with some great love along with His perfect love. The first little love he sent me we named Kinley. He is four now and his appetite for learning is infectious. I love the way he seems to think through situations and come up with reasons why it might be happening. He surprises me with his accurate, truthful assessments and delights me with his completely interesting, detailed, and false hypotheses. He is four in every way and with each passing day, he makes life a little easier on his mama. His beautiful green-gray eyes look into mine and I can feel his love for me. He yearns for Daddy's approval and attention, but I know there's a very special place in his heart for me as I have for him.

Fifteen months later, another gift of love from Heaven was delivered into our lives and we call him Abel. Abel is mama's boy through and through. We've been through a lot together. Every appointment, every sickness, every surgery, every step in his journey with having extra needs, I have been there and he recognizes that on every level. He cuddles with me, runs to me, relies on me and in many ways I enable all of it. I am a middle child and I sympathize with him so I may or may not give him a break when I wouldn't cave to the others. He is a part of me like my arm and even when he drives me absolutely batty, I'm so glad God chose me to be his mother. Despite the challenges, despite everything...I love him fiercely. I'll go to bat for him as long as I live.

Then Merit came into our lives and I couldn't believe how easy he made motherhood seem. His sweet, toothy smiles and loud laughter surge my body with energy to get me through each day. He makes me so happy. He is that boy that makes me want to snap photos of him doing the most mundane tasks and post them all over because I think all of you need to see something so perfect, too. His sass is evolving as he grows older and I know we've got some surprises ahead of us with that one. I've got eighteen months in as being his mother and he just keeps adding to our family. I worried about having enough love to go around when I learned I was pregnant with him, but what I'm finding out now is that love multiplies. God's good and perfect love is our example. We love because he first loved us and these kids have shown this introvert that while constantly being around people is trying, it's also binding me forever to these beautiful children that I surely don't deserve.

And next year, I'll have four love letters to write to my children. I'm feeling God's love for me when I look at them. I hope you're feeling His love this Valentine's Day, too. 

It's all gonna be okay.

Mom guilt. It's an ever-present theme in my life and I'm willing to bet you might have a touch of it, too from time to time. We all want what is best for our kids, but it's difficult to always know exactly what that is. We avoided sickness for most of the winter, but for the last two weeks we've passed it around a time or two. My kids have missed preschool because of this and weekly speech appointments as well. If my house was cleaner or ....if their immune systems were better from eating more nutritious meals....if I was more of a helicopter parent then maybe they wouldn't be sick and having to miss school. Or if I think they're well enough to venture out, what if I expose the other kids to my kids' germs? Enter mom guilt again. It's just never ending. Today, my kids missed school and their Valentine's parties because it snowed and I thought they would probably be called out of school by the time I got everyone up and ready to go. I'm so glad I spent the evening preparing extra Valentines for one of the kids to take and crafting lunch inspired by red, pink, and hearts! What a great use of my time. I could have been binge eating chocolate while watching the season premier of Grey's Anatomy. I digress.

It's just that I'm often feeling as if I don't measure up. I've met some incredible people throughout this process with Abel. There are wonderful parents out there who diligently never miss an opportunity to take their kid(s) with hearing loss to therapy. They never stop questioning if they're doing enough, pushing for what their kid needs, or changing their lifestyles to accommodate their child. I want to be that constant for Abel, but most days I feel as if I'm barely getting by. He's such a wild card. Being three years old and significantly behind his peers is completely draining for me. I'm proud of his progress and I know it is slow for most people with cochlear implants so I try to keep my head up, but the last few weeks I've had extra time around him to think about it all. What I see is a mom trying to clean the kitchen instead of sitting down to read with him. I see a mom trying to take care of herself and the baby growing inside of her who deposits her children into the gym childcare for an hour or so every day. I see the pregnant woman with three small children at her feet all day and what she really wants to do is just sit down on the couch and curl up in a ball. Playing speech therapist all day long doesn't always happen for me and I feel like I'm dropping the ball.

But we've all got something, right? There's always that one thought in the back of our minds that creeps up every now and then and says, "You're not good enough." The truth is, I'm not good enough at many things, but I'm doing a great job with the other things. Everyone is struggling with something and for me, it's always the three year old, hearing or not. I always have a toddler/preschooler. Every year I seem to have one of those...sometimes multiple ones...and the Terrible Twos (and Threes) is a real thing, y'all. I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and realizing that time is flying and one day I'll forget how awful my days can be. All I'll remember are the sweet smiling photos I capture of my little kids and the times when they were happy. I'll remember the time Kinley said, "Mom, guess what? I'm so happy because Daddy made me so many paper airplanes!" or "Thank you so much for the heart sandwich, Mom. I love it!" I'll remember tucking Abel into bed and him not protesting as I took off his ear and he signed "I love you" to me. I'll recall little Merit running into a room, arms outstretched with a toothy smile on his face saying, "HEYYYY!" It's all gonna be okay.

SIX

Six years ago to the day, I woke up and began getting ready for my wedding day. Our day did not consist of nerves, tons of money, or preparations. It DID consist of a tiny white dress and a handsome Army Officer in dress blues. He picked me up at my house, all decked out, and drove us to our little ceremony in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, just the two of us. It was snowing and beautiful as we started our lives together. These six years have been wonderful, difficult, happy, exciting, and full of change. We have moved houses nine times. We've lived in five different states in that time. We've created four sweet souls. We have transitioned through some hard times and been joyful through some really great times. I'm thankful for a man who will orient us to our Heavenly Father to lead us through this life together. I'm thankful to God for bringing this man home to me from war and blessing our marriage on that snowy Tennessee day six years ago.

* Not pictured: His Ranger Tab! He left his Ranger Tab in Alaska and he was very disappointed to not have one while swearing his brother into the Army AND getting married in his dress blues. For his sake, just pretend it's there, ok? :)

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABE!

Thoughts on Baby Four

I used to be so good at sharing our lives through a blog. It would be unthinkable to announce a pregnancy online and not accompany it with all my thoughts on the new bundle of joy on the way. Those are often among the most popular posts, too (followed closely by birth stories (1, 2, and 3) and periods of extreme pregnant meltdowns. See here or here.). This being said, I hope you'll forgive me for the delay in writing this. If we're not pals on social media other than this space...

I'm pregnant! Yay! Are you shocked? We weren't either.

Honestly, I've been feeling for awhile that our family wasn't done growing. I dared not admit it to anyone because people can't seem to blend the ideas that I could be occasionally stressed by our lot of young boys AND considering wanting more, too. But deep down I know what's important to our family and we see children as a blessing because God's word tells us that's exactly what they are (Psalm 127:3). How could we not be so happy to add to the chaos? Another precious gift from God. I was talking with a friend the other day and told her that I didn't know anyone who got to the end of their life and said, "I wish I'd had less children." Perhaps four children will mean less vacations or the latest, greatest iPhone or whatever. But what is that to us really? NOTHING. 

Honestly, I was nervous for the response we would receive from family and friends. I wanted them to be happy for us (for them!) and they were. Other people who might question us don't matter. We don't ask for help. Our kids are not deprived of love and attention, but instead they're learning now the importance of family, inclusion of differences/disabilities and blending of personalities, sharing, and so much more. We're not perfect, far from it, but just because you might see a glimpse of a naughty preschooler or toddler of mine does not mean that we are not good parents and we're too overwhelmed to have more. What you don't often get to see is the kindness of my four year old, the loving kisses my three year old dishes out, or the laughter and closeness my one year old shows to each of his brothers and his parents. They are great kids. Number four is just as celebrated and important as when I saw the two pink lines for the very first time after trying to get pregnant for months with Kinley. We are feeling blessed, loved, provided for, and oh, so excited.

I've been feeling great. It has been much different than the other three pregnancies. It gave me something extra to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving- no sickness. Praise the Lord. I'm still in the first trimester, but looking forward to another sweet babe joining us by July. Thanks be to God! Here's to four kids, four and under!

Captiva

In my last post, I talked about a yearning I had to just get away. After a quick family text reading, "Can you watch the kids?" Jordan and I were off on a birthday get-away to celebrate the big three o. The kids did everything in their power to keep us from boarding the plane. Their bags had been packed for days, but the morning of I was frantically tossing in my summer clothes, trying to think of everything I might need to spend a weekend in South Florida. I forgot my makeup and all hair products and tools, but perhaps it was better that way. Anyway, that morning I had our babysitter coming over until the kids would be divided up among family members when they all got off work. Abel woke up feeling a little sluggish and by the time we were "ready" to leave, he was burning up with fever. Of course. Then Merit's diaper rash was the worst I've ever seen it when he woke up. And Kinley? He was insisting he join us as the beach, his favorite place. I told him that his Pap was coming to get him so he could spend the weekend there and naturally, he expected that to happen RIGHT NOW. Our poor sitter is a trooper to inherit those three as we took off flying to the airport so as not to miss our flight. We were off to a rough start, but by the time we arrived our worries were behind us...

We booked ourselves a mini vacay in Captiva Island, FL in a resort on the island. We appreciated the small things, though. A cat-nap on the beach. Time to read. Sunsets. Not having to prepare food for little people that would soon be refused anyway. Sleep. Chatting with new friends. Sunrises. The beauty of being alone together. It was perfect, honestly. The best birthday.

We also took time to fish, ride bikes, go down water slides, swim in the ocean, dip in the pool, and remember what it was like before we had all these little people to attend to. It was great, but our little clan was beckoning us back home because even though we enjoy a break every now and then, these kids make our lives worth living!

Hopefully the next time we get away alone won't be another five years in the making!