Thoughts on this pregnancy, my recent 5K, and Mother's Day

I have written so many blog posts in my head lately, but have not carved out time to actually sit down and write something out. Now that I have a few minutes, my mind is not settling on one particular topic so I guess I'll chat about life lately. I'm thirty one weeks pregnant this week. I feel pretty good. A couple weeks ago, I got sick and ended up in the hospital but I'm leaps and bounds better now than I was then. I feel as if time is winding down now and she'll be in my arms before I know it. Honestly, I have no idea how one person will go out in town and run errands with that many small children, but I also know that people figure it out and I will, too. I find myself already thinking about the mechanics of taking the kids to school next year. Portions of the parking lot at one of the schools is gravel so the easy strollers are out of the question. Am I going to have to baby wear a newborn in the front and a two year old in the back so I can walk the other two into their separate schools? Sounds like a blast. I already get the wildest looks going in now. Some folks comment that my hands are full or my mornings are busy in a friendly manner. Others stare at me like I'm the worst parent in the world when one of them falls and I tell them to walk it off....or when I end up dragging one in kicking and screaming. I'm getting to the point where it doesn't bother me anymore, though. I just remind myself that they probably have no idea. 

I've been trying to stay active during this pregnancy. My diet has not been all green and leafy, though. My sweet tooth is in full force so sometimes I up my workouts to accomodate. Knock on wood* The back pain has been a lot better lately. On Saturday, I ran (ahem jogged very slowly) a 5K. I did better than I thought I would, but as I was racing I thought I was doing a lot better time wise than I actually was. That's okay. I didn't pee on myself nor did I pass out so I'll take it! By the end of the thing, I sat there with my family, recovering and listening to the awards being handed out when I heard "...running for two...Third place goes to Kacy..." What? Totally unexpected. Score. I'm just hoping there were more than three people in my age group. :P

That's my mom. She ran in the race, too and she has been killin' it in the gym. I'm so proud of her and it makes me anxious for postpartum days and being able to see the numbers go down on the scale again. 

Mother's Day was a good one. We usually get out of town to celebrate, but we stayed home this year. I guess I shouldn't say we stayed home, though because we were gone all day. We got up and went to church and then started making the rounds so we could see all the special women in our lives. We didn't end up getting home until around ten o'clock.

Left: 9 months out for baby #3, Right: 9 weeks left for baby #4

But any Mother's Day that I'm with my boys is good for me! I hope you had a good one, too. I know it can be an impossibly hard day for some people. Those who have infertility problems and those who never had a motherly figure in their lives, and those who have mourned their mother's death-- you all were on my mind. Just clicking through the archives of this blog and seeing the picture progressions from year to year remind me that time is fleeting. I spent the day cherishing the women I do have in my life that have shown me the ropes of being a woman, wife, and mother. I'm so so thankful for each one of them.

Easter Everyday

I make a big deal of Halloween and Christmas, but truth be told- I love Easter even more. It's the one day set aside to celebrate a risen Savior. Of course, I do my best to acknowledge that in my day to day life, but the rest of the nation joins us on this day. A risen Savior. It's incredible. We can relive a miracle through the scriptures, through the sermons, through our lives. Jesus, the author and FINISHER of my faith, endured an agonizing death on a cross for me and you. Why would a blameless man do that other than great, great love? It's that realization that faces me each morning and keeps me going. No matter what happens in my life, I'm loved by an Almighty God. One who loves me so much he sent his Son to die for me. These songs are my favorites this time of year. They echo so many of my thoughts. Amazing love. How can it be?

My Funny Valentines

Valentine's Day is much more special to me when I look into the eyes of my children and can see how a divine Father in Heaven has gifted me with some great love along with His perfect love. The first little love he sent me we named Kinley. He is four now and his appetite for learning is infectious. I love the way he seems to think through situations and come up with reasons why it might be happening. He surprises me with his accurate, truthful assessments and delights me with his completely interesting, detailed, and false hypotheses. He is four in every way and with each passing day, he makes life a little easier on his mama. His beautiful green-gray eyes look into mine and I can feel his love for me. He yearns for Daddy's approval and attention, but I know there's a very special place in his heart for me as I have for him.

Fifteen months later, another gift of love from Heaven was delivered into our lives and we call him Abel. Abel is mama's boy through and through. We've been through a lot together. Every appointment, every sickness, every surgery, every step in his journey with having extra needs, I have been there and he recognizes that on every level. He cuddles with me, runs to me, relies on me and in many ways I enable all of it. I am a middle child and I sympathize with him so I may or may not give him a break when I wouldn't cave to the others. He is a part of me like my arm and even when he drives me absolutely batty, I'm so glad God chose me to be his mother. Despite the challenges, despite everything...I love him fiercely. I'll go to bat for him as long as I live.

Then Merit came into our lives and I couldn't believe how easy he made motherhood seem. His sweet, toothy smiles and loud laughter surge my body with energy to get me through each day. He makes me so happy. He is that boy that makes me want to snap photos of him doing the most mundane tasks and post them all over because I think all of you need to see something so perfect, too. His sass is evolving as he grows older and I know we've got some surprises ahead of us with that one. I've got eighteen months in as being his mother and he just keeps adding to our family. I worried about having enough love to go around when I learned I was pregnant with him, but what I'm finding out now is that love multiplies. God's good and perfect love is our example. We love because he first loved us and these kids have shown this introvert that while constantly being around people is trying, it's also binding me forever to these beautiful children that I surely don't deserve.

And next year, I'll have four love letters to write to my children. I'm feeling God's love for me when I look at them. I hope you're feeling His love this Valentine's Day, too. 

It's all gonna be okay.

Mom guilt. It's an ever-present theme in my life and I'm willing to bet you might have a touch of it, too from time to time. We all want what is best for our kids, but it's difficult to always know exactly what that is. We avoided sickness for most of the winter, but for the last two weeks we've passed it around a time or two. My kids have missed preschool because of this and weekly speech appointments as well. If my house was cleaner or ....if their immune systems were better from eating more nutritious meals....if I was more of a helicopter parent then maybe they wouldn't be sick and having to miss school. Or if I think they're well enough to venture out, what if I expose the other kids to my kids' germs? Enter mom guilt again. It's just never ending. Today, my kids missed school and their Valentine's parties because it snowed and I thought they would probably be called out of school by the time I got everyone up and ready to go. I'm so glad I spent the evening preparing extra Valentines for one of the kids to take and crafting lunch inspired by red, pink, and hearts! What a great use of my time. I could have been binge eating chocolate while watching the season premier of Grey's Anatomy. I digress.

It's just that I'm often feeling as if I don't measure up. I've met some incredible people throughout this process with Abel. There are wonderful parents out there who diligently never miss an opportunity to take their kid(s) with hearing loss to therapy. They never stop questioning if they're doing enough, pushing for what their kid needs, or changing their lifestyles to accommodate their child. I want to be that constant for Abel, but most days I feel as if I'm barely getting by. He's such a wild card. Being three years old and significantly behind his peers is completely draining for me. I'm proud of his progress and I know it is slow for most people with cochlear implants so I try to keep my head up, but the last few weeks I've had extra time around him to think about it all. What I see is a mom trying to clean the kitchen instead of sitting down to read with him. I see a mom trying to take care of herself and the baby growing inside of her who deposits her children into the gym childcare for an hour or so every day. I see the pregnant woman with three small children at her feet all day and what she really wants to do is just sit down on the couch and curl up in a ball. Playing speech therapist all day long doesn't always happen for me and I feel like I'm dropping the ball.

But we've all got something, right? There's always that one thought in the back of our minds that creeps up every now and then and says, "You're not good enough." The truth is, I'm not good enough at many things, but I'm doing a great job with the other things. Everyone is struggling with something and for me, it's always the three year old, hearing or not. I always have a toddler/preschooler. Every year I seem to have one of those...sometimes multiple ones...and the Terrible Twos (and Threes) is a real thing, y'all. I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and realizing that time is flying and one day I'll forget how awful my days can be. All I'll remember are the sweet smiling photos I capture of my little kids and the times when they were happy. I'll remember the time Kinley said, "Mom, guess what? I'm so happy because Daddy made me so many paper airplanes!" or "Thank you so much for the heart sandwich, Mom. I love it!" I'll remember tucking Abel into bed and him not protesting as I took off his ear and he signed "I love you" to me. I'll recall little Merit running into a room, arms outstretched with a toothy smile on his face saying, "HEYYYY!" It's all gonna be okay.

a new beginning

Happy New Year! The month is nearly over and I've scarce had time to write here. I haven't decided if that's because I'm super busy or because the entire right side of my keyboard is sticking and, well, that's annoying. Much has changed since I last wrote, but I will get into that a bit later. Did you have a good New Year's? We did! I rang it in with some friends from church and our large lot of kiddos (11.5 between us!). It was nice. 

Happy NY!

After they left, Jordan and I cheersed to FIVE years of marriage and a fresh start in 2015. Last year was pretty tough for our family, but there were so many awesome things that happened, too. It's scary and exciting to think about what God might have in store for us this year. We really really tried to start if off right. That's one of the reasons why I haven't been around on this blog or more notably-facebook (I deactivated it temporarily. No, I did not delete you.). Many of you have reached out to me to find out what's up and tell me I'm missed. I appreciate that! I just needed a break from social media. I felt as if I was getting so busy that I was forgetting to take time to play with my sweet kids. Playing with eyes floating to the big screen of the iphone every few minutes does not quality time make. We decided to give up many things for a few weeks in order to draw closer to God and each other. Now, at the end of this "fast" of sorts, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Life still feels pretty wild and crazy even without the distractions it turns out. Still, I will savour the moments when we chose walks around the neighborhood or reading a book over filling our house with background noise with the t.v. It's all crap, isn't it? 

Anyway, we spent the last few weeks making memories and I hope to continue doing just that. My three, three and unders, are growing up before my eyes. I don't want to look back and wish I'd played more instead of worrying about having a clean kitchen. I'm trying so hard to make this year different for us. Part of that is saying "no" when I need to. Focusing on God and then my family. Writing more. Reading more. Worrying less. Controlling my thoughts. Orienting toward positivity. Getting fit physically and spiritually. Reconnecting with my husband. The possibilities are endless! I love a new year, don't you?

Weekending in Gatlinburg

Shopping sans children

I'm feeling so blessed to have another year with this husband of mine. Here's to our best year yet! 

At Every Corner

"Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace and goodwill toward men." Luke 2:14 I love reading through the book of Luke this time of year, recalling the Christmas story in my mind. What an incredible event! What an example of trust in Joseph. Faith from Mary. Grace and love from God Almighty. 

I know I've talked a lot about the stresses of the past year. I've discussed our struggles to some extent, but hardly in depth. I also know many of you who are dealing with many other issues. Death. Sickness. Frustration. Loneliness. Grief. PTSD. Divorce. Sadness. The list is endless. Whatever it is, it's big to you and I know that feeling all too well. I just wanted to share some bible verses that I have on repeat in my head lately that might just help you get through the holidays, too. "God surrounds me with his favor." Psalm 5:12 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14 "He will be our peace." Micah 5:5 "Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!" Psalm 116:2 "My God with his loving kindness shall come to meet me at every corner." Psalm 59:10 Are you getting the major theme? He is with us always. ALWAYS. He'll be with you when your patience is tested with those people you don't really want to be around. He'll be with you when you're seemingly all alone. He is with you in the wee hours of the morning when you'll try to put together a crazy, difficult toy in hopes of surprising your kid with a new gift. He'll be with you when your Christmas isn't the picture perfect facebook post you thought it would be. When the kids are crying in the backseat while you travel, when they forget to say please and thank you, and when they ask for something you can't afford, God will be right there with you. How amazing is that? The God of the universe is with you. He's with me. He's right there with us.

We aren't promised an easy road in life, but that doesn't mean we can't choose happiness every day. Every hour. Or in my case, minute by minute. It's a decision. Earlier this week, I almost let someone upset me. But I quickly came to my senses because I asked myself if I had any control over the situation? No, I did not. I asked myself if there was anything I had done wrong in the situation. No, there wasn't. The awesome thing about God being by my side 24/7 is that I can have an overwhelming sense of peace when others try to put me down. My identity is tied up in Him so I don't have to fear. I don't have to let anyone walk all over me in order to build themselves up. I'm God's girl. He is my peace. Be kind to one another this Christmas season. We don't know what other people might be going through inside. May the glory be to God and goodwill to all our neighbors down here that we're doing life with. Merry Christmas, y'all! I wish each of you well. I really, really do.

(The boys do, too despite their grumpy faces.)

Halloween 2014

Typically, I'm a bonafide Halloween nutcase. Elaborate costumes are planned months in advance and I spend time carefully selecting and making all garments and props. This year? Well, I had another kid to think about--making the number of costumes to create climb to FIVE. I started feeling as if I shouldn't go all out because we didn't have the money to spend on such things. I was getting a bit down because I love Halloween so much. I always have. But I started thinking maybe it's time for me to grow up.

I quickly came to my senses and reminded myself that, of course, I was going trick or treating with my kiddos. It's quite possibly my favorite day of the year and I didn't want to miss it just because I was having a hard time managing to get my act together. I decided I wasn't SuperMom, but I could totally be her for Halloween. I thought, "How perfect would it be to all be superheroes in honor of Abel's first hearing Halloween?" I set to work making SuperK and Bionic Boy costumes.

I made them masks, capes, and shirts but of course it didn't all get worn. There's always someone mad on October 31st and it's almost always a toddler. This year I have two toddler/preschool aged crazy people so they took turns refusing garments, pictures, and/or having to {gasp} walk to retrieve their candy. It's a hard life, you know?
Anyway, we had a great evening. Perhaps my favorite costume this year that I threw together at the last minute was baby Merit's. He made the cutest Superman.

Jordan pulled off a spectacular superhero last minute costume, too. I thought my SuperMom threads looked pretty dang good, too. Total cost for this entire family of five costumes? Less than $20. I hope I never buy store bought costumes.

The boys' babysitter joined us in our trick-or-treating. I just love her. She's wonderful with the kids and I feel like I can just sit and talk to her like a friend. I know God blessed us when He sent us her. I was glad to have her helping hands, too when Abel decided that all he wanted to do was plop down on the road and dig into the chocolate. It proved to be quite a task to carry Abel on my hip while wearing Merit on my front. Jordan was busy chasing after Kinley who was excitedly running house to house and thanking all our neighbors for their generous candy donations. Then it started raining. That cold rain, you know? We hurried home after hitting a few houses and built a fire and ordered takeout.

It was a great day.
 
What costumes did you come up with this year?