The Space in Between

It's endearing, right? The way I'm confident I'll blog weekly and how I always say to check back regularly and then months go by. The summer has been wild, y'all. We've squeezed a whole lot of living into the hours of the day and on into the night. Catching you up would be a laundry list of trails we've hiked, afternoons we've struggled through, swimming pools we've frequented, and much more. Tonight, though, I've settled into our newly constructed office with a glass of wine and a large piece of chocolate cake (because my husband is amazing and thought of me at his business dinner tonight) to write something else. I had an epiphany tonight. I have honestly been in a sour mood today. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I was annoyed. I decided that we should have a little fun this evening since Daddy would be working late and we had been home all afternoon with a sleeping, sick baby. I got everyone dressed which is a feat in itself and started loading up the car, buckling in the loves of my life. One of them, whose name shall not be mentioned, grabbed the handle and hung on it like a primate and in doing so broke the handle completely off it's hinges. There it was, dangling there. Standing between me and an evening of ice cream with my kids in hopes of pacifying them just a little bit longer. In hopes of snapping that picture perfect shot of my lot in front of my hometown ice cream shop. In hopes of pretending for just a little bit longer that I am supermom. Dream shattered, y'all. Obliterated. It's silly how incredibly often I have to take a humility pill and a reality pill. I'm reminded over and over in raising my four young children that I'm called to truth. Nothing more, nothing less. At the church we attend, we heard a lot about humility on Sunday. Bear with one another in love, stop measuring, count others as more significant than you, have self sacrificing love. Still, I need these reminders every day. 

I wish I could say I calmly told my son that it was okay and accidents happen. Instead, I angrily said we couldn't go anywhere now. I nagged him by saying, "This is why I tell you not to do that!Why don't you listen to me?" I'm reminded of me, too. Doesn't my Heavenly Father not treat me as my sins deserve? He lets natural consequences arise (my own conviction for being wrong) instead of yelling at me about how I disappointed Him (again). So many times my perspective needs to be adjusted and today was one of those times. Here comes the epiphany... Why am I assigning blame to Satan when I'm presented with difficult obstacles? For example, when I deliberately wake up early so that I can have a steaming cup of coffee in silence and study God's Word and my kids decide they'll get up early as well- Why do I say or think that Satan is trying to get me down? What if I instead looked at that situation as an opportunity for ministry? What if I looked at it as a test from God? How much would my day-to-day change? The truth is that I am human. I try diligently to brush everyones teeth, have them memorize scripture, and not raise my voice but folks, that doesn't always happen. But what I can do in those moments-like the moment of the car handle incident- is show them grace. I can say that this isn't Satan trying to get me down, but God trying to build me up to be a better mom and person. I could let them join in on my bible study. I could lovingly correct their behavior. And, like I had to do earlier, I can get down on their level and admit I was wrong in my reaction and ask them to forgive me. And they do. God love them. Difficult days come and they go. The older I get, the more I'm convinced that I'm to share that truth. Some days are the terrible, awful we learned about in The Help....and some days are perfect gifts from above...and some days are just that awkward space in between. Life happens in those days, though. The kids get a bit older, your hair grows a little longer, and you find yourself having to buy toilet paper again. In those mundane days, we still have a beautiful chance to minister. During breakfast, during diaper changes, during orange juice all over the floor--that's when we can show them Jesus.

"Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed and overflowing with gratitude." Colossians 2:6-7

Approval

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

Can we all just soak that in? Really ponder it and be honest with ourselves when we analyze our own responses and reactions to people who have different opinions than us? I've valued those words from Aristotle since undergrad. I've changed a lot since then (thank you, Jesus), but one lesson I began to learn early on is that people get really really worked up when you don't agree with them. The moderate sized university I grew up at (at least a little) was smack in the middle of the bible belt, sure...but it was a university and liberalism seeped into every classroom. Stick with me--I will not be discussing politics, I promise. Due to the nature of my studies, I had many psychology, sociology, and other social science classes. Often topics of morality and politics came up in discussion and I sat around while the more vocal students spoke up with their opinions. Usually it was the more liberal, outspoken students who wanted to share. I considered myself a middle-of-the-road gal myself, but I couldn't stand to listen to only one side of the opinion brought up over and over again knowing that so many of my classmates must be conservative on some topics, at least. I remember vividly the first time I said anything political in class. I was immediately put in a category by some. It was the She-is-a-crazy-right-winger-and-therefore-dumb-and prejudice category. I believe my comment was on education, too. I recall one girl in particular talking about me after class as if I couldn't hear. She flunked out later, much to my delight. But I still remember her at times. I think it was one of the first times, as an adult (again, sort of), that I felt zeroed in on by another woman for no other reason than a difference of opinion on policies in education. You must be thinking, who cares? And I don't care about that particular situation, but what I do care about is the overall theme that keeps creeping back into my days: WHY ARE WOMEN (or people in general) NOT SUPPORTING EACH OTHER?

If I'm speaking candidly, I'll admit I do not give a crap about your opinion on this election. Why though, are we being downright ugly to those who decide to talk about their own opinions that don't line up with our own? Newsflash: There's a way to discuss, if you choose, without being rude, condescending, and mean.

As promised, it's not even about politics per se, it's about the Mean Girls Tendency. Jordan told me a story tonight about a nurse he was working with who said some fightin' words about me, someone she has never met or laid eyes on. I think he had said something along the lines of, "I'm gonna go and get home so I can fix dinner." Jordan enjoys cooking. It's a hobby of his and he does most of the cooking in our home (at dinner time anyway). Her response was, "Does your wife have a job?" When J told her I was a homemaker, she went off on a tangent about how she couldn't stand stay-at-home moms who couldn't actually accomplish X, Y, and Z at the house. My innate, sinful reaction was, "What's her name? What's her number? I will punch her in the face." And I would, y'all...before Jesus. I calmed down quickly enough because the last few days especially I've been in the Word about this very topic. Aren't we the hands and feet of Jesus? Those of us called into His family, aren't we to be loving others as He does? I was so mad at her (ridiculous) comment because it's obvious that she has never done anything like what I do on a daily basis. She couldn't have known that I've not been home at all today because stay-at-home parenting isn't exactly staying at home when you have a child with special needs. Oh, no. The day is spent in the car driving from appointment to appointment. It's spent bouncing the baby through three hours worth of therapy. It's spent managing times for driving to the sitter for one, school for another, stopping to nurse another, and listening while the deaf three year old voices how much he hates being in the car all day at the top of his lungs, for the love. It's spent on hold with insurance companies. It's spent budgeting and balancing the massive medical bills we accrue. That nurse didn't know that I came home today after a long day and started doing the dishes, preparing dinner, and putting four beautiful children to bed by myself. I bet she didn't take into account the time I spent going over my five year old's scripture he's committing to memory even though all I wanted to do was throw everyone in bed and sit down at the tv to shut my mind off. No. Her resounding message was that I was lazy and that just runs all over me. I certainly don't vent to her husband how her job is because...wait for it...I have no idea how hard it must be for her each day. I just trust that it is. I've never met her. I don't know what she's going through. Who am I to judge?

And that is the problem. We form these big opinions from behind our computer screens about what women are supposed to be and we forget to love and support the women right in front of us unless they are exactly like us in every way. A sweet friend recently pointed me toward Galatians 1:10:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people I would not be a servant of Christ."

Do you need applause or likes when you put someone down harshly? I mean that sincerely not confrontationaly. And if I may speak to the other side of this coin, do you (I!) need this person's approval? Why? We needn't place value on the opinions of others apart from God's own opinion. Our identity comes from Him.

What does God say? This verse is plastered around my house because I need it in my role as a mother, but it is applicable in this conversation, too-

"Rather, let it be the inner person of the heart with a gentle and quiet spirit that is precious to God." 1 Peter 3:4

It's the same thing your mama probably taught you- "If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all." I just think that a lot of times we are caught up in being right and loud about it that we forget that the people we are shouting at are people God loves tremendously, too. I'm not advocating that you don't stand up for something you believe in; I'm advocating for growth and appreciation for women (or men) who don't feel like you. Certainly continue challenging your beliefs and know why you feel the way you do, but don't let it compromise your love for following Jesus wholeheartedly. And Jesus loves the sinner. Despite their wrong actions. Despite their shortcomings. Jesus loves us. Amen. I'm so thankful for that love- that my King would die for me. His approval is what I seek. I can't worry about yours. It's a challenge for me every day. My tendency is to base my mood on others and if they're not happy with me then I'm down in the dumps. Almost daily, I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter what the world thinks of me, only God. Some of us aren't cut out for open dialogue on touchy subjects (ahem, me), but we are all cut out to stand for Jesus if He is indeed our King and He is mine. And what He has told me during this election period and during this season of my life is this: I am not called to blindly accept, but instead I'm called to love. If I have beef with someone's misguided opinion, I will focus on that in prayer. Seeing love in action is so much more powerful than someone's opinion being delivered unkindly.

As y'all vote (or whatever), I ask that you remember the people in front of you, beside you. You will still have to live with them despite who is elected. There are good Republicans. There are good Democrats. There are good Independents. There are good white people. There are good black people. There are good people and let's give them the benefit of the doubt.

Sorry for the novel!

Goodnight.

My Funny Valentines

Valentine's Day is much more special to me when I look into the eyes of my children and can see how a divine Father in Heaven has gifted me with some great love along with His perfect love. The first little love he sent me we named Kinley. He is four now and his appetite for learning is infectious. I love the way he seems to think through situations and come up with reasons why it might be happening. He surprises me with his accurate, truthful assessments and delights me with his completely interesting, detailed, and false hypotheses. He is four in every way and with each passing day, he makes life a little easier on his mama. His beautiful green-gray eyes look into mine and I can feel his love for me. He yearns for Daddy's approval and attention, but I know there's a very special place in his heart for me as I have for him.

Fifteen months later, another gift of love from Heaven was delivered into our lives and we call him Abel. Abel is mama's boy through and through. We've been through a lot together. Every appointment, every sickness, every surgery, every step in his journey with having extra needs, I have been there and he recognizes that on every level. He cuddles with me, runs to me, relies on me and in many ways I enable all of it. I am a middle child and I sympathize with him so I may or may not give him a break when I wouldn't cave to the others. He is a part of me like my arm and even when he drives me absolutely batty, I'm so glad God chose me to be his mother. Despite the challenges, despite everything...I love him fiercely. I'll go to bat for him as long as I live.

Then Merit came into our lives and I couldn't believe how easy he made motherhood seem. His sweet, toothy smiles and loud laughter surge my body with energy to get me through each day. He makes me so happy. He is that boy that makes me want to snap photos of him doing the most mundane tasks and post them all over because I think all of you need to see something so perfect, too. His sass is evolving as he grows older and I know we've got some surprises ahead of us with that one. I've got eighteen months in as being his mother and he just keeps adding to our family. I worried about having enough love to go around when I learned I was pregnant with him, but what I'm finding out now is that love multiplies. God's good and perfect love is our example. We love because he first loved us and these kids have shown this introvert that while constantly being around people is trying, it's also binding me forever to these beautiful children that I surely don't deserve.

And next year, I'll have four love letters to write to my children. I'm feeling God's love for me when I look at them. I hope you're feeling His love this Valentine's Day, too.