Hope Over Worry

I have such an ambivalent relationship with the Internet. I love it and I hate it, too. Don't you? Disguised under the guise of connectivity, more often than not it pulls us all apart.  It pits us against each other. Against ideas. Ideas that really just don't matter. Period. It's why I have to step away from social media a lot- it's because I don't care where people go to the bathroom....or HOW a child got in a zoo enclosure (just that he did and now he's safe and you people have NO IDEA how quickly children can get into trouble despite the most attentive caregivers)...I don't care if you vaccinate or formula feed or leave your child rear facing in their carseats until they are six years old. I do not care. Leave me out of it.

I'm tired of freaking out reading signs at Walmart reminding me to turn around and go get my baby out of a hot car. My baby is not in the car, but thanks for the brief heart attack.

I'm tired of rubbing sun screen all over my kids to protect them from the harmful sun only to come home and read an article about how all the sprays and lotions cause cancer.

We're coming upon swimming season and although I swallowed gallons of water growing up around pools and at the lake every summer, I will freak out for twenty four hours after any of my kids are around water because of the massive amounts of dry drowning posts I will see. Already, I'm worried. Just yesterday, Abel took off his puddle jumper near the pool. I stood up to sit nearer to him in case he got any crazy ideas and before I knew it, he had jumped in the pool, something he won't usually even do with floaties on. Thankfully, I got to him very quickly but he is very tired today and feels warm and where does my head go? It goes to the extremely rare thing that might happen that I saw on the Internet last summer and the summer before that.

I'm just so exhausted by the list of what good parents do. It's on Pinterest. It's on Facebook. It's on the news. It's in your hearts and minds. More than ever, I will keep the tendency to trust that parents are, for the most part, doing what is best for the kids they've been entrusted with. There's no parent shaming here because I know. Every day, I sacrifice myself to do what I think is best for my children in the moment. 24/7, that's what I'm doing. It's because of this that I know you're not a crappy mom because you sent your kid to school with a lunchable for the third time in a week.

It's a Catch 22 everywhere I turn. Hey, my kids are fed and happy and safe. Do you think 5 popsicles in a weekends time is going to permanently damage them? Me either. If you're one of those parents that their kids only eat the freshest of organic vegetables then that is great! I applaud you. I just also happen to think those other parents who don't follow that strict of a diet or lifestyle are good parents, too.

There's so much out there online that you might lose sleep over....so much that can get you fired up. And for what?

Accidents happen all the time, y'all. It's a consequence of living in a fallen world. I'm just so glad I have a HOPE that is greater than anything this world could provide.

Why do you share online so much?

I used to be annoyed to view everyone's highlight reel on Facebook. Greaaaaat. You have an awesome, fit body. Your kitchen is sparkling. Your kids are reciting scripture and Spanish. You have the best job ever. You are traveling...again. But today I get it. You probably aren't saying, "Look at me! I have my life together!" If you're like me, you're actually saying, "Look! This tiny part of my life is going well today." It's amazing when you have several small children at home how your goals and accomplishments morph from big, lofty goals to YAY, I THREW SOMETHING IN THE CROCKPOT AND MY KIDS ARE BATHED! I'm beginning to see that you aren't trying to build yourself up with your selfie; you are, in a sense, probably saying here's my life right now and it's worth documenting. I know that's how I feel when I snap a photo of some workout I accomplished or if my kids are playing together and not fighting- by all means snap that because it will be gone before you know it! Growing up, I was an avid journal writer. As I got older and technology advanced, blogging soon took the place of my pen and paper. Now, I hardly find time to sit down at this old dusty keyboard at all because if I do, the kids will be playing in the fireplace ashes in no time (Yes, this has happened twice in the last week). Facebook and Instagram have become a type of journal for me, like it or not. My life is spelled out in a few sentences a day or a caption on a photo. On particularly hard days when the kids have finally drifted off to sleep, I can crack open my accounts and look back with gratitude on how far we've come. I can see the good things that my kids are doing, that I'm doing. I remember and I focus on that.

If you could see me right now, I'm doing the Disney channel chopper dance as my little Merit looks at me saying, "no, no, no, no!" and starting to cry. Abel smells suspiciously like throw up and I haven't yet found the evidence which is not the most pleasant start to this Tuesday, but you know what? Life is good. Our Father in Heaven gave these specific babies to ME. And when I feel less than qualified to care for them, He bends down to remind me that He knows all. It IS me. He is with me. He loves me. He loves them. He is authoring this family. Each step we take, He is there.

How many kids can I handle? As many as God chooses to bless us with. Yes, I'm stressed and this life is hard, but I'm okay. We're okay. People ask me how I do it all the time and the answer is I really don't know. I just figure it out with lots of prayer, coffee, and Shakeology. Often times I feel completely overwhelmed with motherhood and my life as a stay at home parent, but it ain't all bad! So you'll have to forgive me when I display my tiny victories online for you to see. I'm simply celebrating. As always, I promise to strive to be transparent and talk about the struggles here, too. That's the place where we connect and grow!

Are the kids alive and fed? Take that photo! Is your garden flourishing and beautiful after the hard work you put into it? I want to see that. Did you slay your last workout? Good! That's motivating to me and I want you to share it. Thank you all for sharing in our family's story online, too. I appreciate you checking in with me when I post. Sometimes it's nerve wracking to have my personal diary online for anyone to see, but the alternative is being closed off from all of you. I get that enough here as I spend my days teaching small people how to talk and not be heathens. Then I go to bed feeling alone and do it all again the next day. I prefer to be as open as I can be! That's why you'll see me showing you proof when I actually get dressed in real clothes! Small, miniscule accomplishments are big news for this mama who is also chasing around three other people trying to stuff feet in socks and zipping up clothes while the bulging belly is making me have to catch my breath after every child is finally clothed. You know someone is going to require a diaper change before we finally head out the door, too, don't you?

This life is bananas, but I'm going to share it with you anyway. (Gotta go. #2 just threw up on my feet.)