Hope Over Worry

I have such an ambivalent relationship with the Internet. I love it and I hate it, too. Don't you? Disguised under the guise of connectivity, more often than not it pulls us all apart.  It pits us against each other. Against ideas. Ideas that really just don't matter. Period. It's why I have to step away from social media a lot- it's because I don't care where people go to the bathroom....or HOW a child got in a zoo enclosure (just that he did and now he's safe and you people have NO IDEA how quickly children can get into trouble despite the most attentive caregivers)...I don't care if you vaccinate or formula feed or leave your child rear facing in their carseats until they are six years old. I do not care. Leave me out of it.

I'm tired of freaking out reading signs at Walmart reminding me to turn around and go get my baby out of a hot car. My baby is not in the car, but thanks for the brief heart attack.

I'm tired of rubbing sun screen all over my kids to protect them from the harmful sun only to come home and read an article about how all the sprays and lotions cause cancer.

We're coming upon swimming season and although I swallowed gallons of water growing up around pools and at the lake every summer, I will freak out for twenty four hours after any of my kids are around water because of the massive amounts of dry drowning posts I will see. Already, I'm worried. Just yesterday, Abel took off his puddle jumper near the pool. I stood up to sit nearer to him in case he got any crazy ideas and before I knew it, he had jumped in the pool, something he won't usually even do with floaties on. Thankfully, I got to him very quickly but he is very tired today and feels warm and where does my head go? It goes to the extremely rare thing that might happen that I saw on the Internet last summer and the summer before that.

I'm just so exhausted by the list of what good parents do. It's on Pinterest. It's on Facebook. It's on the news. It's in your hearts and minds. More than ever, I will keep the tendency to trust that parents are, for the most part, doing what is best for the kids they've been entrusted with. There's no parent shaming here because I know. Every day, I sacrifice myself to do what I think is best for my children in the moment. 24/7, that's what I'm doing. It's because of this that I know you're not a crappy mom because you sent your kid to school with a lunchable for the third time in a week.

It's a Catch 22 everywhere I turn. Hey, my kids are fed and happy and safe. Do you think 5 popsicles in a weekends time is going to permanently damage them? Me either. If you're one of those parents that their kids only eat the freshest of organic vegetables then that is great! I applaud you. I just also happen to think those other parents who don't follow that strict of a diet or lifestyle are good parents, too.

There's so much out there online that you might lose sleep over....so much that can get you fired up. And for what?

Accidents happen all the time, y'all. It's a consequence of living in a fallen world. I'm just so glad I have a HOPE that is greater than anything this world could provide.

33 Weeks: (another) Bumpdate

This past week was a rough one for the books. The kids have been sick and I've been sick. I'm not entirely sure what is going on with me because I haven't had a chance to go to the doctor until today and, go figure, offices aren't open on Saturday or they don't open until ten. So, here I sit, hoping that I'm on the mend. I do feel a little better today. I wonder if that's because my in-laws took all the kids for us last night and I went straight to bed by 8:30. It was amazing to get to sleep and not have to wake up and take care of three small children. SUCH an enormous blessing. {THANK YOU!}

33 Weeks Bumpdate

Bed head and clothes. Sorry, I don't really get dressed these days.

Baby is the size of a: honeydew

Weight:144

Cravings: Nothing really. Anything I can swallow without wincing in pain because of my sore throat. 

Stretch Marks: Well, yeah but nothing new.

Exercise: It was going well until I caught whatever it is that I caught. I haven't been able to go to the gym much because one of the kids always seems to be sick, but this past week I haven't wanted to move from the couch. I even took my fitbit off and am sporting a wrist watch tan line now instead of watching how few steps I have made each day. I've been miserable, y'all.

New Things: I find it strange that my braxton hicks contractions have stopped. For months now, I've had them quite a bit but over the last few weeks I haven't had any. Other new things worth mentioning are:

1. I started painting/restoring a piece of furniture for her room. I should probably be working on that right now instead of blogging.

2. Tomorrow my mom and sister are throwing me a shower.

What's going on with her? She is gaining half a pound a week and might grow up to a whole inch this week! Her bones are fully developed and she's now working on making them harder and more stable. Now, her goal is to start packing on the fat.

What I miss: feeling good, clothes that fit

What I'm looking forward to: holding her and soaking her in knowing this is my last baby and getting back to working out and feeling comfortable in my skin again

I hope each of you enjoy your weekend!

The Winter People

One of my great loves is reading. It's a hobby that has been put aside in the throes of raising babies and when I do read, it's usually desperate studying of scriptures or scholarly reading of nonfiction. It's rare that I pick up a book of fiction and actually finish it. When I grabbed The Winter People by Jennifer McMahon, I believed it to be no different. Actually, I started it months ago and put it down a few chapters in because I wanted to read a book that would help me understand Abel's latest diagnosis a little better. It's not that I prefer nonfiction. It's more of a time/benefit analysis. One day, my husband came home from work and I put on my running shoes and practically sprinted to the local walmart for a reprieve. I just wanted a breath of air, of sanity to cling to. I know, I know. Walmart a reprieve does not make, but I was desperate and I live in a small town with few options. Before long, I found myself surrounded by the crisp smell of new books and many alluring titles. Intriguing covers were beckoning to me to open them and I soon found myself in my happy place--reading summary after summary, imagining I was one of those moms who still had time to read. I finally settled on this story, a dark one set in the woods of old Vermont, a place I could easily envision because I visited there a few years ago (Vermont trip Part 1, 2, and 3). 

In my advanced age (ha), I've become much more of a wimp. As a child, I loved scary movies, daring roller coasters, and ghost stories. Now, I think my boys will be lucky if I ever let them step foot in the line for one of those anything-could-go-wrong-man-made-and-not-to-be-trusted-with-my-precious-kids roller coasters. And ghostly mentionings and horror movies? Not so much my thing these days. I legitimately feel uneasy when watching them unfold on screen and this book was no different. Jordan was traveling a lot of the time I was reading this and there were a few nights that I put the book down and turned on a funny tv show instead to take my thoughts away from the story that unfolded in the book.

It was good, though. It tells the tale of Sara Harrison Shea and the tragic happenings that occurred back in her day in the early 1900's. She suffered through the loss of her daughter and while doing so she kept a journal that would survive her and provide a useful tool in uncovering secrets and old legends to a family living in her old house in present day. Ruthie, the nineteen year old daughter of the owner of the farmhouse, finds a copy of the diary and is sucked into Sara's story. What she finds is that she isn't the only person interested in uncovering what happened to Sara Harrison Shea all those years before.

"McMahon has developed a subgenre of psychological mysteries...in creepily seductive settings." 

-Booklist

I love some psychological suspense! When paired with creepy "sleepers", it makes for a perfect book to conclude on Friday the 13th! What I also found is that if I quit reading the mindless articles I read on social media, I have lots more time for fiction in my life. Here's to reading and writing more!

Next up:

Thoughts on this pregnancy, my recent 5K, and Mother's Day

I have written so many blog posts in my head lately, but have not carved out time to actually sit down and write something out. Now that I have a few minutes, my mind is not settling on one particular topic so I guess I'll chat about life lately. I'm thirty one weeks pregnant this week. I feel pretty good. A couple weeks ago, I got sick and ended up in the hospital but I'm leaps and bounds better now than I was then. I feel as if time is winding down now and she'll be in my arms before I know it. Honestly, I have no idea how one person will go out in town and run errands with that many small children, but I also know that people figure it out and I will, too. I find myself already thinking about the mechanics of taking the kids to school next year. Portions of the parking lot at one of the schools is gravel so the easy strollers are out of the question. Am I going to have to baby wear a newborn in the front and a two year old in the back so I can walk the other two into their separate schools? Sounds like a blast. I already get the wildest looks going in now. Some folks comment that my hands are full or my mornings are busy in a friendly manner. Others stare at me like I'm the worst parent in the world when one of them falls and I tell them to walk it off....or when I end up dragging one in kicking and screaming. I'm getting to the point where it doesn't bother me anymore, though. I just remind myself that they probably have no idea. 

I've been trying to stay active during this pregnancy. My diet has not been all green and leafy, though. My sweet tooth is in full force so sometimes I up my workouts to accomodate. Knock on wood* The back pain has been a lot better lately. On Saturday, I ran (ahem jogged very slowly) a 5K. I did better than I thought I would, but as I was racing I thought I was doing a lot better time wise than I actually was. That's okay. I didn't pee on myself nor did I pass out so I'll take it! By the end of the thing, I sat there with my family, recovering and listening to the awards being handed out when I heard "...running for two...Third place goes to Kacy..." What? Totally unexpected. Score. I'm just hoping there were more than three people in my age group. :P

That's my mom. She ran in the race, too and she has been killin' it in the gym. I'm so proud of her and it makes me anxious for postpartum days and being able to see the numbers go down on the scale again. 

Mother's Day was a good one. We usually get out of town to celebrate, but we stayed home this year. I guess I shouldn't say we stayed home, though because we were gone all day. We got up and went to church and then started making the rounds so we could see all the special women in our lives. We didn't end up getting home until around ten o'clock.

Left: 9 months out for baby #3, Right: 9 weeks left for baby #4

But any Mother's Day that I'm with my boys is good for me! I hope you had a good one, too. I know it can be an impossibly hard day for some people. Those who have infertility problems and those who never had a motherly figure in their lives, and those who have mourned their mother's death-- you all were on my mind. Just clicking through the archives of this blog and seeing the picture progressions from year to year remind me that time is fleeting. I spent the day cherishing the women I do have in my life that have shown me the ropes of being a woman, wife, and mother. I'm so so thankful for each one of them.