Workin' 5-9

Tumble outta bed
And I stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
And yawn and stretch
And try to come to life

Jump in the shower Skip the shower
And the blood starts pumpin' because I've got a bunch of kids
Out on the street In this house
The traffic starts jumpin' They're already jumpin'
The folks like me on the job from 9 to 5 Moms like me on the job from 5 to 9

Workin' 9 to 5, 5-9
What a way to make a livin'
Barely gettin' by
It's all takin' and no givin'

They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy
If you let it

9 to 5, for service and devotion 5-9 for service and devotion
You would think that I
Would deserve a fat promotion

Want to move ahead
But the boss won't seem to let me

I swear sometimes that man is out to get me I swear that kid is out to get me

They let you dream
Just to watch 'em shatter
You're just a step
On the boss-man's ladder
But you got dreams
He'll never take away

You're in the same boat
With a lotta your friends

Waitin' for the day your ship'll come in
'N' the tide's gonna turn
And it's all gonna roll your way

Workin' 9 to 5 5-9
What a way to make a livin'
Barely gettin' by

It's all takin' and no givin'
They just use your mind
And you never get the credit
It's enough to drive you crazy
If you let it
9 to 5, yeah 5-9 yeah
They got you where they want you
There's a better life
And you think about it, don't you

*It's a rich man's game
No matter what they call it
And you spend your life
Puttin' money in his wallet

9 to 5, whoa 5-9 whoa
What a way to make a livin'
Barely gettin' by
It's all takin' and no givin'
They just use your mind
And they never give you credit
It's enough to drive you crazy
If you let it

9 to 5, yeah 5-9 yeah
They got you where they want you
There's a better life
And you dream about it, don't you

*It's a rich man's game
No matter what they call it

(*Open for revision)
Collaboration by Dolly and Kace

Just another day in the life, y'all. How is your Thursday?

(Please note: I'm kidding. A little.)

(Also: It's actually more like 24 hours with no vacation, days off, or sick days rather than 5am-9pm, but who's counting?)

the one where I get testy about stay-at-home moms and their time

Happy Saturday morning to ya. I sat down at the computer with shooting pain going up into my back because I've seen every single Alvin and the Chipmunks episode there's to see and instead of trying to relax on the couch with a squirmy three year old--the one that's always awake--I'm here. Guzzling coffee and ignoring the pain in my back as best I can. April is going to be a difficult month here. I'll be solo parenting for most of it. Earlier this week there was a light that made me hopeful. I met and interviewed a potential babysitter. I hate relying on other people, especially with something so precious! When I posted the job on care.com I even wrote to "please not apply if you aren't interested in becoming a part of their lives". I think that's pretty clear, straight-forward- don't you? Well, after speaking with this girl and doing some background checks, I reluctantly hired her. I always feel this way after asking someone new to watch the kids. I thought it would be easier when we moved home because I thought everyone around here would know the person or know someone who does and have some extra info to set my mind at ease. The trouble is, I need sitters during the day for the other two while I run Abel to therapy and everything else under the sun. Everyone already has a job or school at the times when I need someone. So, I hired her because she appeared to be bending over backward for me, rearranging her work schedule so she could definitely be available three days a week. She even said, "I think in life it's most important to connect with people. I'm here to help mothers out. I want a large family and I hope someone will do the same for me when the time comes." Alright, gal. Let's see what you've got. She even came with a calendar and wanted me to schedule times with her in advance. When I came home, the kids were happy and fed and the house was cleaner than I left it. Score! I talked to her about the extra therapy that Abe might be starting and she said she had a job interview in Knoxville (making that her 3rd job!) at that time, but that she would be happy to reschedule to accommodate me. Within five minutes of leaving, she had supposedly called and rescheduled the job interview. "See you Tuesday!" she happily texted. Then yesterday she texted me telling me she got a job in a different state and could no longer work for me. Sayonara. 

I guess I'm bothered by it mostly because my time is important, too. In the four years that I've been a stay-at-home mom, I've noticed a recurring theme that many people demonstrate to me over and over. My time is not as important as theirs. When we lived in Louisiana, my neighbor put my name down on her kids' school contact list (without asking me) and would have me running all kinds of crazy errands for her. Her house was one of those you'd see on Hoarders, no joke. One day, she asked me to break in which consisted of pushing the door open until the trash can fell over ("don't worry, just leave it") and entering to rummage through her kitchen to find her son's medicine and take it to him at school. SURE BECAUSE MY TIME ISN'T IMPORTANT. Another time, she wanted me to take her daughter some new clothes to school so obviously I thought that was pretty important so I rushed over there expecting to find a young girl who started her period unexpectedly or got in trouble for wearing shorts too short, or something else big. Nope. She just changed her mind about what she wanted to wear that day. You think I'm joking, but this sort of thing happens all the time to stay-at-home moms. Ask so and so, she doesn't have a job! So when I lovingly crafted a job posting online, set up a time to interview, and hired someone indefinitely, I expected that to be it. Now it just feels like a huge waste of time. You know what I could have been doing during that time? Finally showering after days. Stuffing my face with chocolate ice cream. Working on the laundry. Cleaning the kitchen. Enjoying a double nap time that is just so rare. Calling the insurance company to figure out the hospital bills past and upcoming. Calling the company that we order Abel's bionic ear from because the cord and headpiece broke for the millionth time. Just because I'm not paid for what I do every day, doesn't mean the schedule we've created here isn't important to the functioning of this house. It doesn't mean that it's not important to me! Time is super precious to a stay-at-home mom. I'm going to have very little of it this month and that's what is on my mind when you tell me I've wasted my time by hiring you. God has called me to be here with four children that aren't yet in kindergarten. I'm to be pouring myself into them, guiding them into a budding relationship with Him. My role is to create a happy home here that demonstrates God's love. It's important. ..and hard....and time consuming. As a society, can we stop telling mothers it isn't? I'm a servant to Him by serving them and finding caregivers that reflect the importance of that. 

So what did I say to her? " Congrats on the new job!" Obviously, it wasn't meant to be. Then I resisted the urge to also say April Fools at the end of the text. ;) 

"Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain." -Psalm 127:1

Easter Everyday

I make a big deal of Halloween and Christmas, but truth be told- I love Easter even more. It's the one day set aside to celebrate a risen Savior. Of course, I do my best to acknowledge that in my day to day life, but the rest of the nation joins us on this day. A risen Savior. It's incredible. We can relive a miracle through the scriptures, through the sermons, through our lives. Jesus, the author and FINISHER of my faith, endured an agonizing death on a cross for me and you. Why would a blameless man do that other than great, great love? It's that realization that faces me each morning and keeps me going. No matter what happens in my life, I'm loved by an Almighty God. One who loves me so much he sent his Son to die for me. These songs are my favorites this time of year. They echo so many of my thoughts. Amazing love. How can it be?

Sleepless in Tennessee

Historically, when I'm awake in the middle of the night blogging, I'm in active labor and don't quite know it. Let's hope that's not the case here. I just was tossing and turning in bed after Abel screaming for the last few hours and decided my thoughts couldn't turn back off until I got this off my chest. It doesn't matter that I'm tired on every level. Exhausted physically and especially mentally. I have to write through this tonight because I feel so desperate for respite for me and this family.

As Abe gets older he's becoming more challenging. He is 3.5 years old now and should be gaining vocabulary and communication skills. His hearing age is 18 months and he communicates on that level. Sometimes he seems to be slightly behind that level. Merit (19 months old) has begun to surpass him in spoken and receptive language and maybe this is why this is bothering me so much lately. It's in my face every day. I see it. Can't ignore it. I have twins-- twenty months apart.

It was at this age with Kinley that I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel in regard to explosive tantrums, behavioral issues, and regulating his frustrations. Sure, he has his days but with an expanding vocabulary, it became easier for him to express himself more appropriately. Abel seems to be headed in the opposite direction. His fits are almost a personality trait at this point and I spend my days at the end of my rope. He can be perfectly happy and raging mad in the same 15 second time span. It's as if he forgets that he can choose a word, a gesture, or anything to help get his point across. He resorts to bulging eyes, immediate tears, flailing on the ground kicking and screaming. All in a matter of seconds. His screams are all day long for me and they filter into the night, too. He can't stay asleep and he wakes up crying frequently. He vacillates between screaming and moaning in the middle of the night and we are all left in a sleep deprived state throughout the week. Nothing seems to comfort him at night. There's nothing we can do. He just cries. Of course, to me, this is so stressful. I hear it all the time. It also leaves me with plenty of time to think about what else might be going on in his little body and mind. My heart aches for one thing, ANY thing to be easy for him, but right now all I can see is the struggle. 

You know what strangers see? They see another child who can't behave. They see another lazy parent who can't control her children. I see it all over their faces when we go out to eat. I see their eye rolls, their whispers, their stares. My reaction goes one of two ways. The stress of the day (this life) closes in on me and I lose it in a puddle of tears OR I plaster my game face on with a smile and try to ignore the helplessness I feel in all of this. Is excessive crying a form of torture training? If so, I have a lot of experience. A lot.

I'm so tired and in desperate need of your prayers for him, for me, for this family. Thanks again for listening. I think I wanted to write this out for catharsis, but also for documentary purposes and in the chance that another cochlear implant preschooler parent happens this way to my corner of the web and finds a commonality here. I haven't lost hope that this is just another phase. I still cling to the notion that one day, Abel's struggles will be that the girl he wants to date is uninterested or he didn't make the varsity basketball team... and his lack of speech, sleep problems, and health concerns will all be a distant memory.

Why do you share online so much?

I used to be annoyed to view everyone's highlight reel on Facebook. Greaaaaat. You have an awesome, fit body. Your kitchen is sparkling. Your kids are reciting scripture and Spanish. You have the best job ever. You are traveling...again. But today I get it. You probably aren't saying, "Look at me! I have my life together!" If you're like me, you're actually saying, "Look! This tiny part of my life is going well today." It's amazing when you have several small children at home how your goals and accomplishments morph from big, lofty goals to YAY, I THREW SOMETHING IN THE CROCKPOT AND MY KIDS ARE BATHED! I'm beginning to see that you aren't trying to build yourself up with your selfie; you are, in a sense, probably saying here's my life right now and it's worth documenting. I know that's how I feel when I snap a photo of some workout I accomplished or if my kids are playing together and not fighting- by all means snap that because it will be gone before you know it! Growing up, I was an avid journal writer. As I got older and technology advanced, blogging soon took the place of my pen and paper. Now, I hardly find time to sit down at this old dusty keyboard at all because if I do, the kids will be playing in the fireplace ashes in no time (Yes, this has happened twice in the last week). Facebook and Instagram have become a type of journal for me, like it or not. My life is spelled out in a few sentences a day or a caption on a photo. On particularly hard days when the kids have finally drifted off to sleep, I can crack open my accounts and look back with gratitude on how far we've come. I can see the good things that my kids are doing, that I'm doing. I remember and I focus on that.

If you could see me right now, I'm doing the Disney channel chopper dance as my little Merit looks at me saying, "no, no, no, no!" and starting to cry. Abel smells suspiciously like throw up and I haven't yet found the evidence which is not the most pleasant start to this Tuesday, but you know what? Life is good. Our Father in Heaven gave these specific babies to ME. And when I feel less than qualified to care for them, He bends down to remind me that He knows all. It IS me. He is with me. He loves me. He loves them. He is authoring this family. Each step we take, He is there.

How many kids can I handle? As many as God chooses to bless us with. Yes, I'm stressed and this life is hard, but I'm okay. We're okay. People ask me how I do it all the time and the answer is I really don't know. I just figure it out with lots of prayer, coffee, and Shakeology. Often times I feel completely overwhelmed with motherhood and my life as a stay at home parent, but it ain't all bad! So you'll have to forgive me when I display my tiny victories online for you to see. I'm simply celebrating. As always, I promise to strive to be transparent and talk about the struggles here, too. That's the place where we connect and grow!

Are the kids alive and fed? Take that photo! Is your garden flourishing and beautiful after the hard work you put into it? I want to see that. Did you slay your last workout? Good! That's motivating to me and I want you to share it. Thank you all for sharing in our family's story online, too. I appreciate you checking in with me when I post. Sometimes it's nerve wracking to have my personal diary online for anyone to see, but the alternative is being closed off from all of you. I get that enough here as I spend my days teaching small people how to talk and not be heathens. Then I go to bed feeling alone and do it all again the next day. I prefer to be as open as I can be! That's why you'll see me showing you proof when I actually get dressed in real clothes! Small, miniscule accomplishments are big news for this mama who is also chasing around three other people trying to stuff feet in socks and zipping up clothes while the bulging belly is making me have to catch my breath after every child is finally clothed. You know someone is going to require a diaper change before we finally head out the door, too, don't you?

This life is bananas, but I'm going to share it with you anyway. (Gotta go. #2 just threw up on my feet.)

23 Weeks

While I may look like I'm thirty weeks pregnant, I am only at week 23. It has gone by pretty fast and I think that has everything to do with the unpreparedness I feel with all of this. After I had Merit, I got rid of all the baby stuff. Swing, rock-n-play, bouncy seat. Ya know- everything that makes this mama have any shred of sanity in this life of reaaally close-in-age children. I realized just the other day that I only have a few months and she'll be in my arms. That's crazy. While I am so over being pregnant or nursing for the last five years of my life, I think I will try not to wish the next few months away. Anyway, I have hardly updated at all here and I think it's about time! Besides, if I don't do this there's a little person who is very close to needing a diaper change and this sounds a million times more appealing than that!

I'm fatter in real life. 

Baby is the size of: a barbie doll

Weight: 139 -I've gained a lot already. This pregnancy has been much different than the boys as far as how I'm carrying her and trying to steadily gain instead of packing on the pounds. I'm told it's not fat and it's "maternal tissue storage" so I'm holding fast to that. ;) 

Cravings: I haven't had a lot of cravings with Baby 4. I'm lucky to eat, honestly. I spend so much of my day just preparing food for other people. 

Boy/Girl: BABY is a GIRL the last two times I checked. I was in a bit of shock when the tech told me that. It was surreal after hearing boy three times in a row! I'm happy to have a sweet little girl to welcome into our house. She shall be called Saylor Eden.

Stretch Marks: the same marks that appeared with Merit have come back, but I do think they're temporary. I'm trying to stay hydrated and am using oils to combat them.

Exercise: I'm working out fairly regularly when my kids are well. I like to go to the gym because that's the only break I have from them and so I can only go when no one is contagious or feeling sickly. Here's to hoping the warm weather lasts and all these yucky cold symptoms subside so I can get back into going daily.

New Things: Kinley felt her kick the other day. Merit points to my belly and says "baby". Abel continues to ignore the inevitable. I have also been having a lot of contractions already which is uncomfortable but apparently not all that uncommon. 

What's going on with her? I got to see on the ultrasound that she has begun to practice breathing. Additionally, she can already hear us and has likely developed a few familiar sounds (if, of course, she doesn't take after big bro Abel and isn't deaf). We will see! 

What I miss: sleeping on my stomach, not feeling like a cow, etc.

What I'm looking forward to: postpartum health goals! Next time I 'get my body back' will be the last time. Saylor will be my last baby I carry and nourish with this body. Stick a fork in me. I'm done!

I hope y'all have a good week!

CI Awareness Day

Thursday, February 25, 2016 happens to be Cochlear Implant Awareness Day. Of course, I couldn't let this day pass by without saying a few words about my little miracle. Cochlear Implants have changed this family in more ways than one. Certainly, our lives would look very differently if our middle child did not qualify as a recipient for the hearing devices. You might have been like me when I saw a child with a cochlear implant-- I thought, "Oh, something must be really wrong with that baby. How sad!" I kind of cringe thinking about my own ignorance. It's just that often times, the cochlear implants overwhelm the head, especially if there's no hair. People jump to all kinds of conclusions about them whereas if one sees an adult with one, I think they're more likely to guess the purpose of the behind the ear device. Some people have even mistaken them for bluetooth technology! Most of the time, I don't really know what people are thinking when they see them. Some recognize them for what they are. Others ask if they're curious and I much prefer that over staring. Please do ask if you have questions! We want to bring awareness and love to talk about our sweet, Abe.

There are two main parts to a cochlear implant- an inside portion and outside processor. The only part you can see is what he wears behind his ear and travels up along the cord to attach to his head via magnets. This is how the device is able to talk to the inside portion. Without the magnet connected, Abel is completely deaf. If you're familiar with our story, you know that Abel was implanted bilaterally (both sides/ears) but due to major complications one side had to be removed. He now functions with only his left "ear" and he hears fairly well with it. The struggle with bionic hearing is that it's simply not natural. The kids have to work extra hard to assign meaning to the new sounds they're bombarded with. Most children start their hearing journey in the womb and begin talking by age two. Cochlear implant kids are often compared to their hearing age instead of their chronological age. Abel is three, but his hearing age is 18 months! Extensive therapy will hopefully bridge the gap between him and his hearing peers in a few years. He has already made significant progress, but it takes time and feels like a very slow process.

Because of the Deaf/deaf/Oral deaf community I've become a part of, I come into contact with hearing loss all the time. Just the other day I was sitting on campus watching as Abel was participating in a group with other hearing impaired preschoolers when I observed a conversation in sign language. The woman was saying that she never used her voice because she was afraid she sounded "stupid" and that she strictly used ASL. The Deaf community has a lot of pride in their culture that I completely respect. I grew up in a hearing world and so my signing and (especially) reading/interpreting is pretty limited. I know if we had not implanted Abel, he would still be significantly behind his peers because I would be learning alongside him. He would be limited

 to me and what I knew. I feared both routes. While I do hope he decides to learn sign as well, I finally know in my heart that we made the right decesion for him. He now has access to both hearing and deaf worlds! His influence is limitless, proving that deaf people can do anything- even hear!