My Funny Valentines

Valentine's Day is much more special to me when I look into the eyes of my children and can see how a divine Father in Heaven has gifted me with some great love along with His perfect love. The first little love he sent me we named Kinley. He is four now and his appetite for learning is infectious. I love the way he seems to think through situations and come up with reasons why it might be happening. He surprises me with his accurate, truthful assessments and delights me with his completely interesting, detailed, and false hypotheses. He is four in every way and with each passing day, he makes life a little easier on his mama. His beautiful green-gray eyes look into mine and I can feel his love for me. He yearns for Daddy's approval and attention, but I know there's a very special place in his heart for me as I have for him.

Fifteen months later, another gift of love from Heaven was delivered into our lives and we call him Abel. Abel is mama's boy through and through. We've been through a lot together. Every appointment, every sickness, every surgery, every step in his journey with having extra needs, I have been there and he recognizes that on every level. He cuddles with me, runs to me, relies on me and in many ways I enable all of it. I am a middle child and I sympathize with him so I may or may not give him a break when I wouldn't cave to the others. He is a part of me like my arm and even when he drives me absolutely batty, I'm so glad God chose me to be his mother. Despite the challenges, despite everything...I love him fiercely. I'll go to bat for him as long as I live.

Then Merit came into our lives and I couldn't believe how easy he made motherhood seem. His sweet, toothy smiles and loud laughter surge my body with energy to get me through each day. He makes me so happy. He is that boy that makes me want to snap photos of him doing the most mundane tasks and post them all over because I think all of you need to see something so perfect, too. His sass is evolving as he grows older and I know we've got some surprises ahead of us with that one. I've got eighteen months in as being his mother and he just keeps adding to our family. I worried about having enough love to go around when I learned I was pregnant with him, but what I'm finding out now is that love multiplies. God's good and perfect love is our example. We love because he first loved us and these kids have shown this introvert that while constantly being around people is trying, it's also binding me forever to these beautiful children that I surely don't deserve.

And next year, I'll have four love letters to write to my children. I'm feeling God's love for me when I look at them. I hope you're feeling His love this Valentine's Day, too. 

It's all gonna be okay.

Mom guilt. It's an ever-present theme in my life and I'm willing to bet you might have a touch of it, too from time to time. We all want what is best for our kids, but it's difficult to always know exactly what that is. We avoided sickness for most of the winter, but for the last two weeks we've passed it around a time or two. My kids have missed preschool because of this and weekly speech appointments as well. If my house was cleaner or ....if their immune systems were better from eating more nutritious meals....if I was more of a helicopter parent then maybe they wouldn't be sick and having to miss school. Or if I think they're well enough to venture out, what if I expose the other kids to my kids' germs? Enter mom guilt again. It's just never ending. Today, my kids missed school and their Valentine's parties because it snowed and I thought they would probably be called out of school by the time I got everyone up and ready to go. I'm so glad I spent the evening preparing extra Valentines for one of the kids to take and crafting lunch inspired by red, pink, and hearts! What a great use of my time. I could have been binge eating chocolate while watching the season premier of Grey's Anatomy. I digress.

It's just that I'm often feeling as if I don't measure up. I've met some incredible people throughout this process with Abel. There are wonderful parents out there who diligently never miss an opportunity to take their kid(s) with hearing loss to therapy. They never stop questioning if they're doing enough, pushing for what their kid needs, or changing their lifestyles to accommodate their child. I want to be that constant for Abel, but most days I feel as if I'm barely getting by. He's such a wild card. Being three years old and significantly behind his peers is completely draining for me. I'm proud of his progress and I know it is slow for most people with cochlear implants so I try to keep my head up, but the last few weeks I've had extra time around him to think about it all. What I see is a mom trying to clean the kitchen instead of sitting down to read with him. I see a mom trying to take care of herself and the baby growing inside of her who deposits her children into the gym childcare for an hour or so every day. I see the pregnant woman with three small children at her feet all day and what she really wants to do is just sit down on the couch and curl up in a ball. Playing speech therapist all day long doesn't always happen for me and I feel like I'm dropping the ball.

But we've all got something, right? There's always that one thought in the back of our minds that creeps up every now and then and says, "You're not good enough." The truth is, I'm not good enough at many things, but I'm doing a great job with the other things. Everyone is struggling with something and for me, it's always the three year old, hearing or not. I always have a toddler/preschooler. Every year I seem to have one of those...sometimes multiple ones...and the Terrible Twos (and Threes) is a real thing, y'all. I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other and realizing that time is flying and one day I'll forget how awful my days can be. All I'll remember are the sweet smiling photos I capture of my little kids and the times when they were happy. I'll remember the time Kinley said, "Mom, guess what? I'm so happy because Daddy made me so many paper airplanes!" or "Thank you so much for the heart sandwich, Mom. I love it!" I'll remember tucking Abel into bed and him not protesting as I took off his ear and he signed "I love you" to me. I'll recall little Merit running into a room, arms outstretched with a toothy smile on his face saying, "HEYYYY!" It's all gonna be okay.

13 Weeks Thus Far

Last week photo

In the past, I've been pretty good at documenting my pregnancies with pictures and commentary, but somehow thirteen weeks have gone by with few photos or weekly blog posts. In summary, you should be reading that I'm tired and after watching three wild Indians all day long, I just want to collapse in a heap on the bed. That's what I'm doing now, but then it dawned on me that my husband's job gives him all sorts of fancy electronics and pays to service them so here I am in bed with his ipad, bringing every thought I'm having to you. Lucky, lucky you.
I was planning on doing the panorama test that scans my blood to check the baby's dna to determine various trisomy types and the sex of the baby. I was excited to find out, but then I went to the doctor to talk some more about it with her and I think she missed her calling, y'all. Ole gal should be a psychologist (and I should know!). I want to go back to her every month and just talk. Anyway, as we discussed I began thinking that I might not want to know if there's anything special about the baby growing inside of me. Is Trisomy something one can prepare for? I don't know, but I doubt it. I know it's completely different, but I don't think anything could have prepared me for having a deaf child except walking the road myself. Knowing there could be something different about this baby wouldn't change anything about my feelings toward this pregnancy and so I decided I just didn't need to know. Sure, it would have been nice to know the sex of the baby and get "normal" test results, but I can wait. I decided I don't need to spend $100 to speed up that knowledge. I'll know in time. What I DO know now, I'll share with you, though...
I had an ultrasound at that appointment on Monday. The baby was very active. I got to see a clearly visible hand waving at me as he or she moved about kicking and rolling around. Even with baby number four, it's still such an amazing experience to see the heartbeat, to hear it, and to see how the Master is forming this little person in my womb at even just thirteen weeks gestation. Beautiful. Having a baby as a civilian family versus an Army family is so different. The ease with which the tech talked to me and described what we were seeing was refreshing. Ultrasounds in the Army were few and far between in my experience and I was told nothing except what had to be said and then I waited on the doctor to chime in later. The ultrasound tech said if I was just a week or so more progressed in this pregnancy then she would venture a guess to whether it's a boy or a girl, but she was afraid to since it was too soon. She did tell me that there were no obvious boy parts but she wasn't ready to count that out. The gender scan will now be on February 1. I'm excited. Part of me yearns for a daughter, but I think I'll be perfectly happy with another boy. It's what I know and my boys have my heart. Either way, we're ecstatic.
This pregnancy I've been sick. The last two days have been great as far as mornings go. I still feel pretty icky in the evenings. It's as though the flu creeps into my body for a couple hours every night and I wonder how I'll ever make it twenty seven more weeks. I know my due date will be here before I know it, though. I'm trying to enjoy the process as much as I can muster. I've never been one to enjoy pregnancy and the toll it takes on me. I'm at the uncomfortable stage where I look like I have a massive beer belly instead of a cute, obvious baby bump. I feel as if I'm showing pretty early and that discourages me for some reason. I want to stay in the best shape as possible and the first trimester was hard on me. I'll continue to work hard in the gym (and kitchen, let's be honest) to make sure I'm staying healthy for baby and me, but what I still need to focus on is my self-talk. Looking in the mirror, I don't often see an amazing, adaptable body with which God allows me to carry, birth, and nurture our children(without medication I might add!). Instead, I see society's definition of "letting herself go" whether it's true or not. I don't want to be that mom who isn't proud of herself. I want to be one who sets an example for her children, an example of good body image and hard work. Well, that and I want labor to be easier if at all possible and I know being physically fit helps.

I've rambled on and on and have yet to tell you that baby is the size of a peach this week! How's your week going?

SIX

Six years ago to the day, I woke up and began getting ready for my wedding day. Our day did not consist of nerves, tons of money, or preparations. It DID consist of a tiny white dress and a handsome Army Officer in dress blues. He picked me up at my house, all decked out, and drove us to our little ceremony in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, just the two of us. It was snowing and beautiful as we started our lives together. These six years have been wonderful, difficult, happy, exciting, and full of change. We have moved houses nine times. We've lived in five different states in that time. We've created four sweet souls. We have transitioned through some hard times and been joyful through some really great times. I'm thankful for a man who will orient us to our Heavenly Father to lead us through this life together. I'm thankful to God for bringing this man home to me from war and blessing our marriage on that snowy Tennessee day six years ago.

* Not pictured: His Ranger Tab! He left his Ranger Tab in Alaska and he was very disappointed to not have one while swearing his brother into the Army AND getting married in his dress blues. For his sake, just pretend it's there, ok? :)

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, BABE!

One, Two, Three, Four

I had my life together with two kids, as much as one can. When I had Kinley, my life was thrown upside down. He asserted his big personality from birth. I remember being in the hospital with my screaming newborn unable to calm him and a kind nurse came in to relieve me. They didn't even have a nursery at that hospital, but she offered to take him so I could rest. That's how long he screamed. Then, when we got home it was no different. That first night, my sister ended up sleeping with him on the couch because no one else could get him to calm down. Yes, his personality was fierce. He wanted something, wasn't always all-together sure what it was, but he wanted it now. He continued to assert his opinion when his brother arrived fifteen months later. He was not a fan of Abel, this new squirmy baby who took his time away from mom. He is determined, spirited, and often challenging, but I know these traits will serve him well in life. Even though I had two under two, I took control of my health, went back to grad school, spent time in the Word, and truly started believing in myself as a mother.

Then I got pregnant with Merit. They say that going from two to three is harder than one to two and I agree with that, for sure. I continued to, for the most part, hold on to the things that were most important to me while I grew baby number three in my body. Despite Abe's diagnosis during this time, I was doing okay. Then, Merit graced us with his presence and he was the easiest, sweetest baby. He was only twenty months younger than Abel which meant I had, briefly, three children under the age of three. I cried a lot looking at my kids. I couldn't believe they were entrusted to me, someone who deep down felt as if she wasn't capable. The year has gone by quickly and I'm finally (finally) at a point where Kinley and Abel are becoming friends. Everyone told me they would be close, but I questioned it. But with age comes another stage, right? Now the tables have turned again and Abel and Merit are the ones who constantly compete for attention and fight over Mama. It's incredibly exhausting. When one graduates out of a stage, I always have another one coming into the same one. That's what's hard about my job. The endlessness of it. All through the day, all through the night if they decide not to sleep well. I go through my day just trying to make it through instead of living, being productive, or anything else. This has been a big year for me that I shouldn't discount. I did that little facebook analysis the other day to see what my most popular photos and posts were and it turned out to be quite a good recap of the year:
1. I obtained my Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy (and I did it while mothering three young children!).

2. Abel was released from the surgeon's care after over a year post op!

3. And, of course, we found out we'd be adding to the madness!

I write this so I can focus on me for a few minutes, to realize I still have more to offer than being around for my children. I'm capable of a lot. I've learned that over these last four crazy years. I still have me. I'm not totally gone, although it feels that way more often than not. In 2016, I'm going to try to remember that as best I can. I have some of my writing being published this upcoming Spring. Then by Summer, we'll be welcoming Baby #4. There ARE good things coming.

One kid felt hard. Two felt like a breeze. Three kids=challenging. Do you see the pattern? I think four is our lucky even number. You let me have that hope, ok? ;)

Thoughts on Baby Four

I used to be so good at sharing our lives through a blog. It would be unthinkable to announce a pregnancy online and not accompany it with all my thoughts on the new bundle of joy on the way. Those are often among the most popular posts, too (followed closely by birth stories (1, 2, and 3) and periods of extreme pregnant meltdowns. See here or here.). This being said, I hope you'll forgive me for the delay in writing this. If we're not pals on social media other than this space...

I'm pregnant! Yay! Are you shocked? We weren't either.

Honestly, I've been feeling for awhile that our family wasn't done growing. I dared not admit it to anyone because people can't seem to blend the ideas that I could be occasionally stressed by our lot of young boys AND considering wanting more, too. But deep down I know what's important to our family and we see children as a blessing because God's word tells us that's exactly what they are (Psalm 127:3). How could we not be so happy to add to the chaos? Another precious gift from God. I was talking with a friend the other day and told her that I didn't know anyone who got to the end of their life and said, "I wish I'd had less children." Perhaps four children will mean less vacations or the latest, greatest iPhone or whatever. But what is that to us really? NOTHING. 

Honestly, I was nervous for the response we would receive from family and friends. I wanted them to be happy for us (for them!) and they were. Other people who might question us don't matter. We don't ask for help. Our kids are not deprived of love and attention, but instead they're learning now the importance of family, inclusion of differences/disabilities and blending of personalities, sharing, and so much more. We're not perfect, far from it, but just because you might see a glimpse of a naughty preschooler or toddler of mine does not mean that we are not good parents and we're too overwhelmed to have more. What you don't often get to see is the kindness of my four year old, the loving kisses my three year old dishes out, or the laughter and closeness my one year old shows to each of his brothers and his parents. They are great kids. Number four is just as celebrated and important as when I saw the two pink lines for the very first time after trying to get pregnant for months with Kinley. We are feeling blessed, loved, provided for, and oh, so excited.

I've been feeling great. It has been much different than the other three pregnancies. It gave me something extra to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving- no sickness. Praise the Lord. I'm still in the first trimester, but looking forward to another sweet babe joining us by July. Thanks be to God! Here's to four kids, four and under!

Captiva

In my last post, I talked about a yearning I had to just get away. After a quick family text reading, "Can you watch the kids?" Jordan and I were off on a birthday get-away to celebrate the big three o. The kids did everything in their power to keep us from boarding the plane. Their bags had been packed for days, but the morning of I was frantically tossing in my summer clothes, trying to think of everything I might need to spend a weekend in South Florida. I forgot my makeup and all hair products and tools, but perhaps it was better that way. Anyway, that morning I had our babysitter coming over until the kids would be divided up among family members when they all got off work. Abel woke up feeling a little sluggish and by the time we were "ready" to leave, he was burning up with fever. Of course. Then Merit's diaper rash was the worst I've ever seen it when he woke up. And Kinley? He was insisting he join us as the beach, his favorite place. I told him that his Pap was coming to get him so he could spend the weekend there and naturally, he expected that to happen RIGHT NOW. Our poor sitter is a trooper to inherit those three as we took off flying to the airport so as not to miss our flight. We were off to a rough start, but by the time we arrived our worries were behind us...

We booked ourselves a mini vacay in Captiva Island, FL in a resort on the island. We appreciated the small things, though. A cat-nap on the beach. Time to read. Sunsets. Not having to prepare food for little people that would soon be refused anyway. Sleep. Chatting with new friends. Sunrises. The beauty of being alone together. It was perfect, honestly. The best birthday.

We also took time to fish, ride bikes, go down water slides, swim in the ocean, dip in the pool, and remember what it was like before we had all these little people to attend to. It was great, but our little clan was beckoning us back home because even though we enjoy a break every now and then, these kids make our lives worth living!

Hopefully the next time we get away alone won't be another five years in the making!