The Ugly Part of Me

I've had people tell me lately that they don't know how I do it all. Between the kids, doctor appointments, school, my business, and exercise, they wonder how I can make it all work. That's flattering, really...but I'm always striving to be honest with you and that's just not accurate. While I try, I do not have it all together. Far from it. I hardly feel afloat most days. My days are filled with appointments I have to be at and I get stressed out just thinking about trying to arrange babysitters for each engagement. It's probably one of my biggest stressors actually. Just once, I'd like to get a babysitter and have nothing to do for someone else. My selfish spirit would like just one day to not have to do anything. To do something fun during the time I have a sitter. Instead, I rush off to another appointment for the kids. As I type this, I'm sitting in group speech. On the way in, I was already worried about the next few weekends that are booked up when my phone rang asking me to schedule a meeting with the school psychologists for Abel. I often wonder what life would be like if Abel didn't have special attention so often. What if we could just register him for preschool like most children? What if he had a Type A mother who flawlessly organized her schedule with ease? One who purposed to do everything possible to get him to talk? What if I thought only of my children and died to myself daily to fulfill God's purpose in my life? I know I'm to have a servant's heart, but it is so hard for me for some reason. I struggle with wanting to help others because I feel like that's all I ever do. I know how ugly that makes me sound. But in this age of social media, when everyone only presents the pretty parts of their lives, I will continue to be open and raw. I struggle. Daily. This season of life is challenging and scary and wonderful. I just hope as I grow older that I remember the good and the bad so I can reach out and help other young mothers who stay home with their children constantly when mine are grown and out the door. I hope I don't forget.