Keeping Up With Us

Did I really just google "blog topic ideas"? Are we back to that? Who remembers that I blogged DAILY on my previous blog site? The pull to write is there always, but mustering the creativity to form sentences and paragraphs and remember to properly punctuate is daunting now. I go, go, go all day long and the last thing I ever want to do is sit down in an old, hard chair and talk about my day to an over-sized screen that is blinding me in the darkness of the room. Just so you know, when I googled that earlier one of the warnings that popped up was "Whatever you do, don't whine and complain." Note taken. For now anyway.
Jordan has been gone a lot lately with his new job. Mostly, his hours are longer, but lately he has had business trips to take. When he is here, we've tried to make the most of it! With three young children, it's sometimes hard to make yourself get out there and take them places. Thinking of activities that are usually fun just seem like more work in your head. Still, if it makes enough sense to us- we'll do it! We did once go camping with two toddlers and a newborn! Anyway, we played putt-putt last weekend and I had my best game EVER. Pretty thrilling in my world, folks.

We are settling in in our new town. It's good to be home and it will be even better once we are in a home of our own again. Our marriage sure has been through a lot, hasn't it? In five years, we've had more than five houses, three kids, and hardships we never dreamed of. Moving is often listed as one of the major stressors and we average a move a year. We are so excited that one day that will stop. Hopefully, our next house will be our forever home. I'm still happy to be doing life with this man:

We have our flaws, for sure, but at the end of the day I want him right here beside me and I hate to have it any other way. He's my lobster.

I've talked a lot about Abel lately and have neglected the other two wild ones on this blog. Kinley is doing well. He has always been a challenging tot. On my last blog, he was lovingly referred to as Cray K. Not much has changed there. Being three is hard, apparently. BUT! I often get glimpses into his heart and he can be so sweet, encouraging, and joyful. Many times when I pick him up from places like the gym childcare, he says to me, "I'm so happy to see you, Mom." He no longer calls me "Money". My big boy is growing up. He still says some things all wrong and I'll probably never correct him. He calls his bicycle his "mo-bike" (Motor bike?) and our car has the long name of  the "bye bye car truck". I wonder what goes through his head. He can be so funny!

Merit is getting big, too. I can't believe my baby is already eight months. Everyone says that, don't they? But seriously. It breaks my heart. He is so happy! I want to keep him and hold him and not let him grow up. It seems like his little life is slipping by faster than the others. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with him. Now, he's a sitting, drooling, talking, smiling eight month old. I love him to pieces. He's a social butterfly, too.

We are making it, the five of us. It's just about getting up every day and doing what we have to do. Some days are so hard, but there are so many that are pretty great, too. We're trying to cling to our faith and family. That's what we've been up to. We're eager to see what else God has in store for us.

Thanks for checking in.

HOW I AM

I once had a class as an undergrad. Sociology, I think. Anyway, in it, the professor challenged us with little tasks to do as extra credit. We simply had to have someone record us doing faux pas activities in public. For example, when someone asks you how your day is in line at Walmart, tell them-really tell them. If you asked me that, I might talk for hours if you'd let me because it's just nice to speak to someone who can carry on a conversation that doesn't include, "But why?" every thirty three seconds. Digressing, I'd tell you that I'm tired. My eyes are heavy from the lack of sleep I'm getting. Let's not forget about emotional tiredness, too. I'm that. I'm that always. I'm not sure if it's my personality that makes me ponder all the things or if it's because I'm a woman that I have an innate need to go through every possible scenario in my mind of what could happen. I'm talking about Abel right now. The kid gives me wrinkles. He's adorably sweet when he kisses both cheeks and reaches for me as if no one in the world will do. But raising a deaf child is really hard for me. Today, I went to look at a preschool in hopes of getting him enrolled in a summer program. That's what I'm told is going to be best for Abel and I think I agree. He loved going to "school" in our last town and I know he cared for his teachers very much. He thrived from being in a social situation with mostly hearing kids and it created more of a routine for him which I think he finds comfort in. It has been months since he has been and the clinging cries of a child who doesn't want to be away from the one person he can communicate verbally and non-verbally with have come back every time I'm going to leave his eye sight. I stepped into the director's office and he immediately started crying. I knew he didn't want me to leave. I tried explaining that I wasn't leaving, but it didn't matter. He was already in panic mode. The teensy bit of time I had in my schedule to fill out paperwork and talk was gone. The lady wouldn't talk to me even though I explained we should just take the tour so we can walk around, get him used to a new environment, and let him see that I'm not leaving him. I know my child like the back of my hand. I feel like I can't leave him with these people who don't. I don't want to leave him with people who don't love him, who might get frustrated with his circumstances. I see every single stare. I feel all your judgement when he's throwing a fit, ya know. And it's crappy. Sometimes I feel as if I don't give him enough slack. This child has been through the wringer in the last six months. He's still persevering. He has had a nearly constant ear infection in that time. He has been on meds and off them. He gained a sibling. He gave up his paci. He had surgeries. He had to move homes. He had to leave babysitters and teachers and therapists. His world is upside down. Recently I learned he has a pretty serious infection. One in which he needs a medicine that isn't FDA approved. This isn't the first time they've talked about having to take the implant out. I'm sick when I think about. Physically nauseous. Highly emotional. So, I'm exhausted. Every day. That's how I am.

Up to my chin in medical bills. Lonely. Overwhelmed. And scared.

And trying to trust God through all of this.

I know He'll provide. I know He will restore Abel's health. I also know I'm not truly alone in this. He hears my prayers. He sees every tear I shed. Lo, I am with you always (Matthew 28:20).