Messy Purpose

"Write. If you want some bigger purpose, just write. You are already good at it." My husband speaks these words with the best of intentions, but when I hear them I'm ready with all sorts of excuses. The biggest one that always seems to trump them all is when or perhaps, how? It's nap time at my house, but Merit didn't get that memo and so as I'm typing now, he is downstairs teaching his monster to read on the ipad. I'm doing what I hate-- pacifying my kids with screens. I've been doing that a lot lately because I just need to get this one thing done, but when I'm getting the one thing done, the dog rips up a diaper, leaving trails of yucky granules all over the house, the one year old is decorating the furniture with dozens of stickers that I'll have to painstakingly remove later, or some other first world problem pops up, taking up more and more time out of my day. What the conversation comes to at the end of the day in my head is this, "What did I even accomplish today?" The answer to that is almost always nothing. In the amount of time it took me to write this paragraph, Merit has already been upstairs three times asking for something.
It's fine and wonderful and good when you've accepted that your mission in life is to be a mother. It's a beautiful thing, really. But what if you don't feel all that great at it? It seems like I'm stuck in that period of time in young adulthood that I'm still trying to find my place except I'm not a young adult. It's not that I've never had it. I felt sure of myself as an Army Wife. I realized Jordan's job had little to do with me, but it also felt like my role was to support him in it. I had to be uber supportive or that lifestyle wouldn't have worked for us. I certainly didn't wear his rank, but I felt like when he was gone, it was for a purpose greater than myself. When that role came to an end, I found myself again by getting in shape and balancing two kids under two. I felt empowered by motherhood and that bled over into everything I did. I started a business. I even started graduate school again and ended up finishing with another baby in my arms and a 4.0 grade point average. Along with that degree, there came a devastating diagnosis (Seriously, please don't lecture me about deafness not being devastating. I see that now, but it sure didn't feel that way then), a newborn to feed, and a solid year of uncertainty about our decision to implant Abel. There were a lot of changes. I went from feeling like supermom with my cloth diapers and two babies on my hips to three kids still in (disposable) diapers and a whole trail of soon to be three year olds, which is for sure the most challenging age thus far for us. I'm just using the diapers as an example of how my motherhood has changed over the years. I'm not saying one is better than the other. The point is that everything I thought I knew, I don't. Do you remember when I had a speech therapy corner set up in Abel's room and I worked with him one on one every single night? I was dedicated to helping him progress. I poured into each of my children. But now? We've added still another child and most days it just feels like I'm treading water. I'm doing the laundry, the dishes, and working to keep these little rascals alive. I'm still working on teaching them to be kind or tie their stinkin' shoes that teaching them math never crossed my mind. My head is above water. I know it is, but it's just barely.
I know my purpose in life is to simply show people Jesus, but good grief it isn't always simple. My human nature makes it incredibly difficult. Just this morning, I was emailing someone about serving in the nursery at our church and in the process, little people were yelling at me from another room. I stormed into the kitchen angry asking a one year old and a three year old why they couldn't just be patient? They can't be patient because I'm not demonstrating patience to them. I mean, there are so many examples throughout the day that I lose count.
And so I write. It's a ministry for me. I'm passionate about showing others that there are real people out there, like me, who aren't perfect. When you start walking with Jesus, it's not easy. We wake up every day wanting to be more like Him, but failing every time in comparison. We want to serve Him, but our human nature also wants us to serve ourselves. It's our instinct to serve ourselves. It's a choice to die daily to our desires and serve Him instead. Being a mother is that way, too. It's really hard to fix people food three times before you actually consume food yourself. It's hard to sacrifice sleep so that one or more of your children can sleep instead. It's difficult to get everyone where they need to be and still have time to yourself to do the things that you enjoy. They're worth it. It's a job I wouldn't trade for the world, but it is hard. Messy. Complicated. But what purpose isn't? I can't think of a person who was used by God that had an easy path. When He calls us to something, it feels impossible without Him. I think it's okay that I often feel overwhelmed by my role at home. It's okay because it also comes with a reminder that I'm not alone. I'm not God. I can't control everything. But with Him, I'm able to press on. He gives me purpose when it feels like there is none to assign.

When The Music Stops

There's a colorful, beachy hammock hanging between the two large trees in my backyard. It's almost offensive as it sways there in the infrequent breeze. It almost looks like I could walk outside and have the sun warm my skin as I stretch out in the hammock with a good book and my bare feet. It's cold, though and my babies are inside, avoiding the plague.

I have had more than a few people encourage me that brighter days are on the horizon and I know that they are, but I've got to be happy in this season. I told Jordan the other day that I was a summer mom and it's true. I enjoy leaving the house with all the kids to go for a swim or a hike. I like to plan outings to the zoo, the aquarium, museums, or other germ-filled hangouts that I'm currently trying to avoid because the flu epidemic is a serious problem in our area. The kids haven't been to school in over a week due to school closures and their own battles with influenza. I'm a summer mom because we are outside people and I send the kids out to play as soon as their eyes open. I can't do that today without pouring a lot of effort into bundling them up and I'm certainly not open to doing that before I've had my coffee.

Yes, I'm a summer mom.

I have this old music box. It's hand-painted, made in Germany. My grandparents probably brought it home to me on their travels or it's left over from when my mom spent some years there thanks to Army life. Abe wound it up and brought it to me with wonder in his eyes. And as the music slows, he becomes a little more intrigued. The miracle is that he can hear it. The anticipation builds, like he wants to experience all of it, hear every last note until the knob stops winding and the music comes to a slow halt. I get it. I've loved music boxes since I was a little girl. When the music is done, there's that satisfaction that comes with something finished- a book, a song, a thought. The same is true for this winter. I'm listening to the music play and I'm enjoying it as much as I possibly can. We're stuck at home, but I have four healthy kids who are running around playing superheroes and building magnet towers. They have snot running down their faces, but they aren't laid up in bed, very ill. I didn't have to search frantically for childcare when school was cancelled, but instead I was relieved to know that I could shield my kids here at home for a few more days. The sweet music is playing through the halls of our house and I'm listening. Soon enough, the song (and season) will be over.

Then something new will begin.